Monday, June 17, 2013


 What to do when you've lost all your inspiration...creativity...desire.  For everything.  It's like I'm going around in an endless circle of unhappiness.  I read things, things that are supposed to "help", give you a different perspective and help change your thinking.  I understand most of these things and I know I need to change my thinking...and start changing just poor thinking into positive doing...but I don't know how to do that.
  Things just seem so low, seems like such a long way to get back up again.

Monday, May 20, 2013


  If you have me as a friend on fb you may have noticed a lot of posting lately about the film Return To Zero, and asking you to sign up to be a local leader.  To those of you that jumped on board without a second thought because you are my friend and know it is important-thank you!  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.   Now comes the second part of this, the pledge.
   I am writing this to try to get you to understand the "why" of this.  Why it's important, why I'm asking you to do all this, and why I'm pushing so hard.

   My daughter Ireland was stillborn at 15 weeks gestation.   Speaking in medical terms her birth is considered a "second trimester miscarriage",  technically speaking I just had a miscarriage.  I do NOT want to down play the word miscarriage.  Having a miscarriage is devastating and painful, both physically and mentally, and it destroys your dreams.  I have had 2 early miscarriages and they were both horrible and destroyed a piece of my heart that I will never get back, but I want to distinguish the difference between my first two miscarriages and Ireland's loss.  With Ireland I went into labour around noon, I just didn't know it.  My pain got progressively worse through out the day/evening, and by 7pm I knew that it wasn't good.   By 8pm I was at the hospital, and at some point in the next couple hours I was told there was nothing to be done but deliver the baby.
   My emotions were in overload.  I was beyond devastated, there truly is no words for what you feel in those moments.  I wanted to go to sleep and forget it all, but the pain kept cutting through me and I had to bring my baby into this world even though she would not live.  I gave birth to my girl around 11:30 that nite.  She weighed 48oz, that's about the same as a regular sized bag of m&m's.  She fit in the palm of my hand.  There was no sweet cry, no "it's a girl!" happiness from the lips of the dr...just silence.

  So you want to know why I need you to do something that may seem like it won't make a difference?  Why do I need you to fill out a form to pledge to a movie, what good is that going to do?  It will SHOW Hollywood that this film will make money, that people DO want to see it.  "What if I'm not sure if I'll see it"...I don't care!  No one is going to hunt you down and make sure you go see this movie, but if you at least fill out this pledge it is a step to get in theatres for those of us that do want to see it.  For those of us that NEED to see it.  It doesn't matter where you live, if there's a theatre near you, if you think a theatre near you will play it or not.  Right now it's just about the numbers, and we need them!

  Why do I think you should see it when it does come out?  Miscarriage, still birth, infant happens many times, every day.  There are 26,000 stillbirths a year in the US.  1 in 4 women have suffered a loss of some kind.  At some point you are going to meet someone who has had a pregnancy loss, or you may experience it yourself.  Like me, you will have no idea what to do.  You will have no idea how you are going to get through it...but now you will look back and remember the film.  You will remember that there is a community of baby loss parents out there to help in any way they can.  You will remember that you are not alone.   YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

   So please, sign this pledge for me.  It really means a lot to me, and it would touch my heart if you can do this for me.  In the local leader spot put my name, Mandi McHady.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Also check out the trailer for the film STILL, a documentary about still birth.  These film makers are working together to get this out there, and everyone involved is just amazing...

Return To Zero:
STILL Project:


Thursday, March 7, 2013

Into The Unknown

     My world is about to completely change.  I don't know how to figure out my life.  I don't know which way to turn.  The worst part is I know it will get harder before it gets easier and I'm not quite sure how to deal with that.  
     I wish I was one of those people that just dealt with things head on and figured it out, I'm so not.  Instead I curl up and ignore the all problems and don't find a way to handle them, them I'm left with an even bigger mess to clean up which makes me want to hide even more.  

   How do I make these decisions and choices when even my heart doesn't know which way to go.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Heading into 2013

 I find myself a little started to look at Ireland tickers on my blog and see that she has been gone for 3 years, 9 can I be heading towards her 4th birthday already.  Her birthday this year was such a blur, we were in such a disastrous place in life with moving and such that I just felt I had to energy to give.  Of course that made me feel guilty but I've been too tired to even do much of that this year.  2012.  Wow.  What a shitty year.  Things tanked big time for me this year.  It's hard to top the year that your baby dies, but this came close.   My children are healthy so of course that is all that matters, everything I can get through, I just wish I wasn't in such a struggle.

  The "new year".  Everyone makes resolutions and thinks about what may come.  I don't put much thought into that.  To me it's just another flip of the calendar.  If I'm going to think about life and resolutions and what changes I might want to make I'll do it when I feel there is a reason to do it in my life.  Birthdays seem like a good time for that.  Or the coming of a school year.  January just feels like everything is already half started, why would I want to start new?   If it's a big deal to you, then I hope you have a great new years eve, and that you are able to set your sights in 2013 for whatever you may be reaching for.  For me, 2013 is just another year, waiting to see if the good will out weigh the bad...lets hope so.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

What is to be...

I really do need to blog more, hard to get in the habit.   I forget how lovely it is here,  my blog made so awesome by Franchesca Cox of Small Bird Studios.  She is amazing and creates beauty.

  I am hoping to start using this blog to track my journey through trying to get memory boxes into the hospital for families who lose babies.  I haven't done a lot of work on it lately, I had sent some emails but never heard back.   I think it may be something that is put off until December, or maybe even after christmas.  I've got a table in a craft fair on December 1st so I'm trying to get stuff together for that and hopefully it will go well.

Friday, June 1, 2012


 My anxiety has kicked into high gear tonite.  My lovely cousin is over due, one week and one day.  Her dr has decided to induce her tomorrow morning.  I am so excited for her and her husband.  The lost a baby last year and so far this pregnancy has been just great for her, but I know all to well that perfect pregnancies can still end heart break.  I also know having induction raises the risks for some complications, so I will not be able to relax until I get the news that her sweet baby girl has come safely into this world.  

Waiting impatiently...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I come to you, my heart in my hands, broke into pieces.  Sharp, jagged shards like glass I struggle to put back together.  Just as my heart takes shape and starts to come together, you slip and shatter it over again.  I am sliced to ribbons, bleeding crimson,  burning pain, yet I hold tighter to the fragments.  There must be a way to mend it, to make it better again.  To stop the searing pain and have it only be a memory.