question

Under The Tree. A site for anyone who has lost a baby. Please check it out.
http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/06/under-tree-june.html

Monthy questions, thought I'd join in.

Hair Color: Brunette - well that s my natural colour,at the moment my hair has a rich burgundy through it
Eye color: Blue/Grey
Profession: Website Manager and Mother to 3 beautifulchildren
Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:
Favorite color: Pink
Favorite movie: too many to name
Favorite animal: tiger
Favorite store: Walmart!
Favorite childhood memory: no sure
Favorite hobby: photography
Favorite song/singer: Kelly Clarkson
Favorite book/author: Mary Higgins Clarke
Favorite school subject: Art
Favorite vacation destination: New York
Favoritefood: almond chicken and chicken chow mein
Favorite restaurant: Iron Wok

This or That
Coke or pepsi : right now, pepsi (subject to change, lol)
Beer or wine: yuck
Coffee or tea: depends on the day
Apple Juice or O.J.: apple juice
Summer or Winter: absolutely summer
Cats or dogs: dog
Salty or sweet: Sweet usually
Plane or boat: boat
Morning or night: nite
Money or love: Love
Breakfast or dinner: dinner
Forgiveness or revenge: tough one
House or apartment: house

Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: Yes
Wished you were someone else: yes
Cried during a movie: ALL the time

Describe yourself in one word: pessimistic
Biggest fear: losing my children
Biggest mistake: ?
Your proudest accomplishment: my kids, starting my business
Dream job: being able to make a living with my photography
Special talents: ?
Where would you rather be at the moment: on a hot beach
Famous person you want to meet: Angelina Jolie
Song to be played at your funeral: You Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlan

The Hard Photos

When my daughter died, a piece of me died with her. I was 14 weeks 5 days pregnant when my daughter was born, and I have nothing physical to show she was here. My biggest regret is not sending someone for my camera so I could take pictures of her.

This may sound grotesque or make you cringe. Pictures of your dead baby? What? (and i know how harsh that sounds too, but the world without your child is a harsh and horrible place) Unless you have actually been in this situation you will not understand. And I'm sure even some that have been in this situation don't like the idea, everyone is different, that is what makes the world so wonderful. All I have of my daughter is 2 ultra sounds photos from 9 weeks along, a couple pictures of my pregnant belly. That is it. That is not enough for me. I don't want others to be in that same spot, wishing they had even a few pictures of their precious child before they were gone forever. It's a hard thing to think about at the time which is why I want to do something. I have found a few wonderful organization that have photographers offer their time and expertise to take photo's for people who have lost a child or have a sick child. http://www.acpcg.com/nicu.htm It is incredible.

I am hoping to start something with the local hospitals to some how offer a service like this. It has to be put together in just the right way. The wording will be the hardest part I think. I want people to feel comfortable and know that taking pictures is a good idea, even if you're not sure you want them done you can always gets rid of them-but you will not have another chance to have them taken.

How great it would be for me to offer this to someone. To take those photos and keep them safe for something who is not sure if they want them, store them until that day when that person realizes all they want to do is be able to look at their child...and there they are. Those glorious photos. Now I just have to put this into action. The site above has a place where they list photographers and their locations, there is also an organization call Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that offers the same service, just go to google to find them and they have the same kind of info for their photographers.

This is my passion and I will make it a reality eventually.

Rest in peace my angel.

Tattoo complete

I had my tattoo for Ireland done a couple weeks, I put photo's up on my other blog but forgot to put them up here. there is a link on the right side that will take you to my photo blog if you want to see it finished.

Tired

Grieving is tiring. It sucks everything out of you. I get up and go to work and I have to pretend that I'm ok and fight my way thru the day. I have to take my kids to daycare and walk out while my youngest boy cries. I know that many parents do this every day, right now I just hate it even more. I want nothing more than to be home with my kids even tho they may be driving me crazy, they are here and I love them. I sit down at the end of the day and I feel like I've been running all day, it's like my body has taken on the weight of all of my emotions and it takes all the strength I have to try to get a few things done.

Every morning I get up it hits me that I am no longer pregnant. That I will not be having a baby. I hate the thought of going thru August when I had plans to be off and spend the month with family while we wait for our little one to show up. I need to lose weight cuz I hate looking at my stomach knowing I could pass for a couple months pregnant, I could before I got pregnant again but now it just makes me sad and angry. And even tho it makes me feel like that, there's another part of me that just doesn't care and eats a bunch of crap anyway becuz eating isn't something I feel like doing so it's usually crap that I end up eating becuz at least it takes alright.

Tattoo

I think I've come up with a tattoo design for my daughter's memory. Still considering, not sure about the clover... Also, the feet themselves I want tattooed in the actual size that her feet were which was the size of the tip of my pinky.

How do you explain

Our oldest son will ask about the baby every now and then and of course there is no good way to explain to a four year old that she is gone. He doesn't understand. Just as he doesn't understand that his Nana is gone will never come back, we have remind him every couple months when he talks about seeing her. I know it's gonna be just as hard for the next couple months having to remind him that there is no baby anymore.

I want the world to know

I want to tell everyone I see about Ireland. No one will get to meet her. We won't get to see her first smile, her first step, hear her first word. I hate it. And as much as it hurts that she's gone I still feel the need to shout from the roof tops that SHE WAS HERE!!! My baby girl grew in my belly for 14 short weeks but she was with us!! I felt her and heard her little heart beating...hell my husband found her heart beat the night I gave birth to her!! She was here and she was loved.