When Least Expected

I was watching Party of Five today (yes it's on reruns here!) and it turned out to be an episode that hit me right in the heart. Bailey's girlfriend Jill dies and he shuts down, just doesn't want to deal so he shuts down. Near the end Charlie comes to talk to him to see if he can get him to open up and tell him what he's feeling. Bailey tells Charlie, "I can't love anymore, it's too hard. So I'm not going to love anyone, and I don't want anyone to love me." (http://www.tv.com/party-of-five/the-ides-of-march/episode/35431/trivia.html)
He's done with caring for anyone becuz the people he's loved in his life have died-they've left him. This hit me tremendously becuz I've been in the exact same place, still living it in some ways. A friend of mine passed away in 1996, he meant so much to me and I never got to know him as well as I would have liked. I never got to tell him how I felt about him either, and that has always haunted me. After losing him I didn't know how to function. I went on with my life and thought I was living it the same, but what I didn't realize at the time was how much I was pushing away the people that meant the most to me. I didn't want to love anyone, I didn't want to have feelings for anyone becuz of the fear that they would "leave me". I turned 19 a couples months later and drinking became my friend. My friends stopped hanging around me, they would even invite my boyfriend out but tell him not to invite me. I was there one nite when they called and he let me know what was going on. I understood completely, I was a horrible person to be around when I was drinking. I was miserable and depressed and my nite would usually end with my crying-who wants to deal with that?!
It took a while but I've worked thru the fear-for the most part anyway. I found a wonderful man who I married and loves me despite all my faults. I have 3 gorgeous children and I HAVE to love them, it's impossible not to! Loving them is probably the hardest I've ever done. I can't stop myself from loving them becuz they're my children but that "fear of losing" them sometimes overwhelms me-it's the scariest thought to me.


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