Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Long Couple Days

I was supposed to go out Friday for my birthday but ended up staying home. Garry was out late Saturday leaving me with a crabby boy who wanted his daddy from 11:30pm until 1am. Sunday nite Ryder was sick. Yesterday Jorja was sick. Last Jorja had a fever most of the nite and did not sleep well, just wanted cuddles. I got a soar throat last nite, and then pulled something in back around 4am and I'm in major pain if I move the wrong way-makes holding the kids very tricky.
Ryder is currently having a good nap, should be up soon. Jorja seems to have settled a bit and is playing with her big brother. Garry's gone to hockey, then grocery shopping, then work-so should be a long day/nite for me again. Hopefully the kids will be ok and sleep better.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

No Better Time To Blog

I'm trying to waste time. 10 more minutes at least, probably more. See we're taping Grey's Anatomy so we wouldn't miss it while putting the kids to bed. Now, I have to wait until it's over becuz I don't want to start watching it half way thru. I also have to wait until Garry gets Cooper to sleep becuz I promised I wouldn't start it without him. I'm going a little crazy!! This is my favorite show-at least my favorite show that is still putting out new episodes. Altho being that this is a three part story I just know that tonites episode is going to leave me with more questions than answers and I'm going to have to wait, yet again, until NEXT week to find out what is going to happen!!
Just needed to get that all out.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Fighting

I hate to fight with my husband, I'm sure all women do. What bothers me the most is that these fights are totally avoidable. Why can't a grown man just realize (after 7 years) that picking up the damn phone will save a huge fight!
Garry went to dinner with a friend last nite and said he wouldn't be late. Well he ended up coming home at 1am, and unfortunately it wasn't a great nite for the kids so that just added to my frustration of him not being home. My 2 year old is daddy's boy and when he woke up at midnite and daddy wasn't home he very upset and his crying woke up one of the babies. I finally got both of them back to sleep and it was close to 1am. I was trying to ignore my anger and go back to sleep when I heard him come and I just had to go downstairs and vent my feelings. We quietly had it out until Cooper heard daddy and came downstairs.
The worst part of it to me is when he says he's sorry. It sounds completely insincere and how can he mean it? He made the choice to stay out so how can he be sorry about? All he feels is sorry that I'm coming down on him for it.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

When Least Expected

I was watching Party of Five today (yes it's on reruns here!) and it turned out to be an episode that hit me right in the heart. Bailey's girlfriend Jill dies and he shuts down, just doesn't want to deal so he shuts down. Near the end Charlie comes to talk to him to see if he can get him to open up and tell him what he's feeling. Bailey tells Charlie, "I can't love anymore, it's too hard. So I'm not going to love anyone, and I don't want anyone to love me." (http://www.tv.com/party-of-five/the-ides-of-march/episode/35431/trivia.html)
He's done with caring for anyone becuz the people he's loved in his life have died-they've left him. This hit me tremendously becuz I've been in the exact same place, still living it in some ways. A friend of mine passed away in 1996, he meant so much to me and I never got to know him as well as I would have liked. I never got to tell him how I felt about him either, and that has always haunted me. After losing him I didn't know how to function. I went on with my life and thought I was living it the same, but what I didn't realize at the time was how much I was pushing away the people that meant the most to me. I didn't want to love anyone, I didn't want to have feelings for anyone becuz of the fear that they would "leave me". I turned 19 a couples months later and drinking became my friend. My friends stopped hanging around me, they would even invite my boyfriend out but tell him not to invite me. I was there one nite when they called and he let me know what was going on. I understood completely, I was a horrible person to be around when I was drinking. I was miserable and depressed and my nite would usually end with my crying-who wants to deal with that?!
It took a while but I've worked thru the fear-for the most part anyway. I found a wonderful man who I married and loves me despite all my faults. I have 3 gorgeous children and I HAVE to love them, it's impossible not to! Loving them is probably the hardest I've ever done. I can't stop myself from loving them becuz they're my children but that "fear of losing" them sometimes overwhelms me-it's the scariest thought to me.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Having A Photo Published

It's not going to be in anything fancy or worldwide-not even country wide but I think it's pretty cool! I entered Jorja's picture into a photo contest and it was chosen to be published in their book this year. This is the site http://www.photolaureates.org/ They just publish entry's to their contest, I think there's a money prize as well altho I don't expect to win that as there are many other great pictures entered. I just entered on a whim as I had a cute pic of Jo I had just done. The book is pretty expensive to buy but I think we're going to get it becuz it's a neat keepsake for her (we think anyway).

This is the photo I entered.