Sunday, December 27, 2009

2009

I sit on the couch, computer in my lap, feeling little kicks and squirms in my lower belly. I think back on this past year with smiles and tears. Last year at this same time I was pregnant but didn't know it yet and really not having a great year, hoping that 2009 would be better for me. Well 2009 held other surprises...
Found out we were pregnant mid January sometime and struggled a lot with that. Neither of us wanted another baby, the timing was horrible but we came to terms with it. Finally we made it public news and I was getting excited when my world was shattered. March 14th, 2009 I gave birth to Ireland Lila at 15 weeks pregnant. She had gotten an infection somehow left this world before she came into it. We love her dearly and is part of our family-she just cannot be here with us physically.

Then at the beginning of September I found out I was pregnant again. Filled with hope and fear, the pregnancy process started again with ultrasounds and appts. There is no rest for brain which is always wondering the worst but so far everything is great. I went thru Ireland's due date, sad she was not here, and hoping that this baby will make it. Christmas came with mixed emotions this year. I am so happy that this baby girl is doing well but I also miss my Ireland so much and am sad that she did not get her chance. It's very strange emotions to be pregnant and grieving at the same time.
My parents got Ireland a christmas present, it is a beautiful tree ornament but I think I will leave it out with her stuff. I just don't want to pack it away in a box until next year.

2010 is approaching and I wonder what it will bring. This baby girl is still kicking away making me smile. Please let her come to us safe and healthy in 4 months.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Been a while...

Good thing I don't have any constant blog readers! lol. Oh life. It does throw things at us doesn't it. Guess what? We are pregnant! (now for all of you reading this from fb you obviously know this already)
It happened in August. Life happens in strange ways. Back in 2003 when we were trying to get pregnant it took almost a year with 2 losses in that time. Now that we're not trying we've ended up pregnant twice! This time is going far better.
I am 15 weeks, just passed the point that we lost Ireland. Every day is hard. I miss Ireland. I miss her, knowing she should be here now, I should be holding her and having sleepless nites and wondering how in the hell I get thru the day with 4 kids. On the other hand I've got this new little life inside me and that day will hopefully come when I am dealing with all that with this little one but it is hard on the emotions dealing with it all at one time. I am still grieving Ireland, still missing her, still hating that she's gone. At the same time holding out all hope that this little one is still doing ok and being extremely happy and excited to meet him or her.

Grief brain + pregnancy brain = some very messed up days! There are days when I literally don't know what I'm doing. My head spins just trying to complete the most mundane and easy tasks, things that should not require thinking but they do! It's rather frustrating. What I've come to realize in the passed couple weeks it that it's everything in life hitting me. Like I said, pregnancy brain. Any woman who has been pg knows what I'm talking about, it really sucks your thougths right out of your head. But grief, wow. Grief does the same thing but about 10 times worse I think, and trying to deal with that at the same time, well I feel sorry for some of the people in my life! lol. Luckily I have good people around me who understand.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

My Week

Last Friday my best friend and I, along with our kiddos, went camping together for the first time. Oh we had a blast! Sarah and I always have fun together, that's just what we do. Can't wait to do it again.



And then on July 27th it was our 7th wedding anniversary. We both forgot until later in the afternoon. He has got to love having a wife that forgets these things!! Altho unfortunately there are other not so good memories that go along in this week and my mind tends to get jumbled. I try my hardest to keep my thoughts on the good times and I am getting better as the time goes on, but for me July 29th sticks out and I have to remember that the 27th is the date to look forward to.




July 29th, 2003. Two days after my first anniversary. I was pregnant. SO excited to be pregnant. I had a miscarriage in March at just over 6 weeks, the circumstances surrounding that pregnancy were not good and it was a horrilbe and confusing time. This time everything was great! Garry and I were excited. I had read and heard so much about how a first miscarriage is very common, I was still scared but hopeful. Then on July 29th, after a small party with good friends at my parents I started spotting. I had a little earlier in the day but nothing that would make me worry. By that nite I knew this baby would not make it. The next day was horrible and will not get into it. A long day at the hospital, dr's telling me that there could be a chance we'd have to wait and see...but I knew. The baby was gone. I was just under 7 weeks. Pregnancy would never be the same for me after that. It's been 6 years since then and it still stings...and now of course it brings my mind back to other sweet angel that I at least got to meet before she flew off to the stars...



Oh and then there's the 23rd. Sheri's birthday is the 23rd, she was my best friend growing up. We don't talk much now but we're still friends and I know I could count on her if there was ever anything that I happened to need. However July 23rd 1996 crushed me, it broke me down inside and I've never been the same since then. I've always had worries, I worry a lot about everything and the people I love, but that nite changed my worry to fear I think. My friend died that day, a good friend. It's funny cuz we didn't hang out outside of work. Every now and then the group of us would get together but not often. He was someone that everyone loved tho. He had a vibe about him and you just KNEW he was a good person, someone that would be willing to help you in anyway you need. Always smiling, always. Always telling me to smile, always.
It crushed everyone who knew him. I miss him dearly, as I know everyone who knew him does too. Some may think it strange that I have a photo of his grave marker. I am a visual person. The only photos I have of Nathan are the ones from the paper when he died. I didn't go to the cemetary often but when I did I would just sit with my hand on his stone. It seems so silly, I'm the kind to need somewhere to go to grieve. I believe you can sit in a quiet spot wherever you want and find that person. Sometimes tho it is nice to go the spot that they rest. I cannot do that, so I have my photo.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Love you Ireland

She was with us at the beach today.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Green

Green is my new color. I used to be an all pink girl, and I still love pink. But after naming our daughter Ireland I can't help but be drawn to green. Green and clovers. She is my angel, I miss her dearly.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

question

Under The Tree. A site for anyone who has lost a baby. Please check it out.
http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/06/under-tree-june.html

Monthy questions, thought I'd join in.

Hair Color: Brunette - well that s my natural colour,at the moment my hair has a rich burgundy through it
Eye color: Blue/Grey
Profession: Website Manager and Mother to 3 beautifulchildren
Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:
Favorite color: Pink
Favorite movie: too many to name
Favorite animal: tiger
Favorite store: Walmart!
Favorite childhood memory: no sure
Favorite hobby: photography
Favorite song/singer: Kelly Clarkson
Favorite book/author: Mary Higgins Clarke
Favorite school subject: Art
Favorite vacation destination: New York
Favoritefood: almond chicken and chicken chow mein
Favorite restaurant: Iron Wok

This or That
Coke or pepsi : right now, pepsi (subject to change, lol)
Beer or wine: yuck
Coffee or tea: depends on the day
Apple Juice or O.J.: apple juice
Summer or Winter: absolutely summer
Cats or dogs: dog
Salty or sweet: Sweet usually
Plane or boat: boat
Morning or night: nite
Money or love: Love
Breakfast or dinner: dinner
Forgiveness or revenge: tough one
House or apartment: house

Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: Yes
Wished you were someone else: yes
Cried during a movie: ALL the time

Describe yourself in one word: pessimistic
Biggest fear: losing my children
Biggest mistake: ?
Your proudest accomplishment: my kids, starting my business
Dream job: being able to make a living with my photography
Special talents: ?
Where would you rather be at the moment: on a hot beach
Famous person you want to meet: Angelina Jolie
Song to be played at your funeral: You Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlan

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Hard Photos

When my daughter died, a piece of me died with her. I was 14 weeks 5 days pregnant when my daughter was born, and I have nothing physical to show she was here. My biggest regret is not sending someone for my camera so I could take pictures of her.

This may sound grotesque or make you cringe. Pictures of your dead baby? What? (and i know how harsh that sounds too, but the world without your child is a harsh and horrible place) Unless you have actually been in this situation you will not understand. And I'm sure even some that have been in this situation don't like the idea, everyone is different, that is what makes the world so wonderful. All I have of my daughter is 2 ultra sounds photos from 9 weeks along, a couple pictures of my pregnant belly. That is it. That is not enough for me. I don't want others to be in that same spot, wishing they had even a few pictures of their precious child before they were gone forever. It's a hard thing to think about at the time which is why I want to do something. I have found a few wonderful organization that have photographers offer their time and expertise to take photo's for people who have lost a child or have a sick child. http://www.acpcg.com/nicu.htm It is incredible.

I am hoping to start something with the local hospitals to some how offer a service like this. It has to be put together in just the right way. The wording will be the hardest part I think. I want people to feel comfortable and know that taking pictures is a good idea, even if you're not sure you want them done you can always gets rid of them-but you will not have another chance to have them taken.

How great it would be for me to offer this to someone. To take those photos and keep them safe for something who is not sure if they want them, store them until that day when that person realizes all they want to do is be able to look at their child...and there they are. Those glorious photos. Now I just have to put this into action. The site above has a place where they list photographers and their locations, there is also an organization call Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that offers the same service, just go to google to find them and they have the same kind of info for their photographers.

This is my passion and I will make it a reality eventually.

Rest in peace my angel.

Tattoo complete

I had my tattoo for Ireland done a couple weeks, I put photo's up on my other blog but forgot to put them up here. there is a link on the right side that will take you to my photo blog if you want to see it finished.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Tired

Grieving is tiring. It sucks everything out of you. I get up and go to work and I have to pretend that I'm ok and fight my way thru the day. I have to take my kids to daycare and walk out while my youngest boy cries. I know that many parents do this every day, right now I just hate it even more. I want nothing more than to be home with my kids even tho they may be driving me crazy, they are here and I love them. I sit down at the end of the day and I feel like I've been running all day, it's like my body has taken on the weight of all of my emotions and it takes all the strength I have to try to get a few things done.

Every morning I get up it hits me that I am no longer pregnant. That I will not be having a baby. I hate the thought of going thru August when I had plans to be off and spend the month with family while we wait for our little one to show up. I need to lose weight cuz I hate looking at my stomach knowing I could pass for a couple months pregnant, I could before I got pregnant again but now it just makes me sad and angry. And even tho it makes me feel like that, there's another part of me that just doesn't care and eats a bunch of crap anyway becuz eating isn't something I feel like doing so it's usually crap that I end up eating becuz at least it takes alright.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Tattoo


I think I've come up with a tattoo design for my daughter's memory. Still considering, not sure about the clover... Also, the feet themselves I want tattooed in the actual size that her feet were which was the size of the tip of my pinky.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

How do you explain

Our oldest son will ask about the baby every now and then and of course there is no good way to explain to a four year old that she is gone. He doesn't understand. Just as he doesn't understand that his Nana is gone will never come back, we have remind him every couple months when he talks about seeing her. I know it's gonna be just as hard for the next couple months having to remind him that there is no baby anymore.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I want the world to know

I want to tell everyone I see about Ireland. No one will get to meet her. We won't get to see her first smile, her first step, hear her first word. I hate it. And as much as it hurts that she's gone I still feel the need to shout from the roof tops that SHE WAS HERE!!! My baby girl grew in my belly for 14 short weeks but she was with us!! I felt her and heard her little heart beating...hell my husband found her heart beat the night I gave birth to her!! She was here and she was loved.

nothing to say

i miss her.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I want my baby girl back

I hate my body for betraying her, for sending her out before she was ready. This pregnancy was not good news for us but things were looking up. We were finally feeling like everything would work out, we could do this. I was finally excited to be pregnant. I don't blame myself for what happened but I can't help but feel bad for some of my thoughts and actions. Part of me thought it would be easier if we lost the baby and didn't have to worry about, early on when we first found out about it and we were both really scared. I'd had 2 early miscarriages in the past and I wondered why I had to lose those babies but get pregnant when I didn't want to be.
We considered not having the baby. I really thought long and hard about it but I knew I couldn't do that. After my previous losses I just couldn't get rid of this baby, it had to be with us for a reason. I had an u/s and found out I was 9 weeks along. Between 10 and 11 weeks I started to feel the baby moving, just little bubble feelings, but I could feel it. 12 weeks came and things were good. I felt I was passed the danger point, going in to my 2nd trimester I was feeling really good about life and the baby. Part of me worried a little becuz I had one really bad nite of drinking when I would have been around 6 weeks and I didn't know I was pregnant yet, and the odd drink thru out the weeks earlier thru christmas time. But things looked good at the u/s and I was sure things would be ok.

And now she's gone. Gone. Labour at 14 weeks 4 days. It's just not right. My baby girl, so small, not anywhere close to ready. It's not fair. I wish I would have touched her one more time, but I know "one more time" would never be enough. I wish for one more minute with her, but "one more minute" would never be enough. The thing I really regret is not getting her foot prints, or hand prints. I never want to forget her.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Baby Girl

The baby who was to be the newest member of our family come September is now gone. I went into labour Saturday March 14, 2009 at 14 weeks, 4 days pregnant. I was already in full labour and dialating when I got to the hospital and nothing could be done. It was terribly heartbreaking as we found her heartbeat on the doppler when we first got there around 9pm, she was still alive and kicking but there was no hope for her.
After a tremendous amount of pain our daughter, Ireland Lila, was born at 11:35pm. We got to see her. She was about the size of my hand, her little feet the size of the tip of my pinky finger. I just wanted to take her all in, could see each little rib, her hands were perfect with little nailbeds waiting for nails. Her long legs bent at the knee, those little feet that had been kicking at me for weeks which I was finally feeling.

My heart is broken. My three children are keeping me sane, keeping me going. I hate my body for 'kicking out' my sweet baby girl, so loved. She deserves to be here, we deserve to have her here.

Monday, February 9, 2009

For a good cause

There are 2 sweet little girls out there who's families could use some help. Both girls have spent or are still spending time in the NICU and they're fighters! Check out this blog which is having an online baby shower! You can enter to win prizes and also donate to the family if at all possible. http://leeloublogs.blogspot.com/2009/02/its-time-to-party.html Please check it out.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I am hopeful

For the first time in a long time I feel that there may be hope after all. Yesterday was the first day of MY new year. My new beginning.