I want my baby girl back

I hate my body for betraying her, for sending her out before she was ready. This pregnancy was not good news for us but things were looking up. We were finally feeling like everything would work out, we could do this. I was finally excited to be pregnant. I don't blame myself for what happened but I can't help but feel bad for some of my thoughts and actions. Part of me thought it would be easier if we lost the baby and didn't have to worry about, early on when we first found out about it and we were both really scared. I'd had 2 early miscarriages in the past and I wondered why I had to lose those babies but get pregnant when I didn't want to be.
We considered not having the baby. I really thought long and hard about it but I knew I couldn't do that. After my previous losses I just couldn't get rid of this baby, it had to be with us for a reason. I had an u/s and found out I was 9 weeks along. Between 10 and 11 weeks I started to feel the baby moving, just little bubble feelings, but I could feel it. 12 weeks came and things were good. I felt I was passed the danger point, going in to my 2nd trimester I was feeling really good about life and the baby. Part of me worried a little becuz I had one really bad nite of drinking when I would have been around 6 weeks and I didn't know I was pregnant yet, and the odd drink thru out the weeks earlier thru christmas time. But things looked good at the u/s and I was sure things would be ok.

And now she's gone. Gone. Labour at 14 weeks 4 days. It's just not right. My baby girl, so small, not anywhere close to ready. It's not fair. I wish I would have touched her one more time, but I know "one more time" would never be enough. I wish for one more minute with her, but "one more minute" would never be enough. The thing I really regret is not getting her foot prints, or hand prints. I never want to forget her.


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