Saturday, March 28, 2009

Tattoo


I think I've come up with a tattoo design for my daughter's memory. Still considering, not sure about the clover... Also, the feet themselves I want tattooed in the actual size that her feet were which was the size of the tip of my pinky.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

How do you explain

Our oldest son will ask about the baby every now and then and of course there is no good way to explain to a four year old that she is gone. He doesn't understand. Just as he doesn't understand that his Nana is gone will never come back, we have remind him every couple months when he talks about seeing her. I know it's gonna be just as hard for the next couple months having to remind him that there is no baby anymore.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I want the world to know

I want to tell everyone I see about Ireland. No one will get to meet her. We won't get to see her first smile, her first step, hear her first word. I hate it. And as much as it hurts that she's gone I still feel the need to shout from the roof tops that SHE WAS HERE!!! My baby girl grew in my belly for 14 short weeks but she was with us!! I felt her and heard her little heart beating...hell my husband found her heart beat the night I gave birth to her!! She was here and she was loved.

nothing to say

i miss her.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I want my baby girl back

I hate my body for betraying her, for sending her out before she was ready. This pregnancy was not good news for us but things were looking up. We were finally feeling like everything would work out, we could do this. I was finally excited to be pregnant. I don't blame myself for what happened but I can't help but feel bad for some of my thoughts and actions. Part of me thought it would be easier if we lost the baby and didn't have to worry about, early on when we first found out about it and we were both really scared. I'd had 2 early miscarriages in the past and I wondered why I had to lose those babies but get pregnant when I didn't want to be.
We considered not having the baby. I really thought long and hard about it but I knew I couldn't do that. After my previous losses I just couldn't get rid of this baby, it had to be with us for a reason. I had an u/s and found out I was 9 weeks along. Between 10 and 11 weeks I started to feel the baby moving, just little bubble feelings, but I could feel it. 12 weeks came and things were good. I felt I was passed the danger point, going in to my 2nd trimester I was feeling really good about life and the baby. Part of me worried a little becuz I had one really bad nite of drinking when I would have been around 6 weeks and I didn't know I was pregnant yet, and the odd drink thru out the weeks earlier thru christmas time. But things looked good at the u/s and I was sure things would be ok.

And now she's gone. Gone. Labour at 14 weeks 4 days. It's just not right. My baby girl, so small, not anywhere close to ready. It's not fair. I wish I would have touched her one more time, but I know "one more time" would never be enough. I wish for one more minute with her, but "one more minute" would never be enough. The thing I really regret is not getting her foot prints, or hand prints. I never want to forget her.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Baby Girl

The baby who was to be the newest member of our family come September is now gone. I went into labour Saturday March 14, 2009 at 14 weeks, 4 days pregnant. I was already in full labour and dialating when I got to the hospital and nothing could be done. It was terribly heartbreaking as we found her heartbeat on the doppler when we first got there around 9pm, she was still alive and kicking but there was no hope for her.
After a tremendous amount of pain our daughter, Ireland Lila, was born at 11:35pm. We got to see her. She was about the size of my hand, her little feet the size of the tip of my pinky finger. I just wanted to take her all in, could see each little rib, her hands were perfect with little nailbeds waiting for nails. Her long legs bent at the knee, those little feet that had been kicking at me for weeks which I was finally feeling.

My heart is broken. My three children are keeping me sane, keeping me going. I hate my body for 'kicking out' my sweet baby girl, so loved. She deserves to be here, we deserve to have her here.