Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Tired

Grieving is tiring. It sucks everything out of you. I get up and go to work and I have to pretend that I'm ok and fight my way thru the day. I have to take my kids to daycare and walk out while my youngest boy cries. I know that many parents do this every day, right now I just hate it even more. I want nothing more than to be home with my kids even tho they may be driving me crazy, they are here and I love them. I sit down at the end of the day and I feel like I've been running all day, it's like my body has taken on the weight of all of my emotions and it takes all the strength I have to try to get a few things done.

Every morning I get up it hits me that I am no longer pregnant. That I will not be having a baby. I hate the thought of going thru August when I had plans to be off and spend the month with family while we wait for our little one to show up. I need to lose weight cuz I hate looking at my stomach knowing I could pass for a couple months pregnant, I could before I got pregnant again but now it just makes me sad and angry. And even tho it makes me feel like that, there's another part of me that just doesn't care and eats a bunch of crap anyway becuz eating isn't something I feel like doing so it's usually crap that I end up eating becuz at least it takes alright.