Good thing I don't have any constant blog readers! lol. Oh life. It does throw things at us doesn't it. Guess what? We are pregnant! (now for all of you reading this from fb you obviously know this already)
It happened in August. Life happens in strange ways. Back in 2003 when we were trying to get pregnant it took almost a year with 2 losses in that time. Now that we're not trying we've ended up pregnant twice! This time is going far better.
I am 15 weeks, just passed the point that we lost Ireland. Every day is hard. I miss Ireland. I miss her, knowing she should be here now, I should be holding her and having sleepless nites and wondering how in the hell I get thru the day with 4 kids. On the other hand I've got this new little life inside me and that day will hopefully come when I am dealing with all that with this little one but it is hard on the emotions dealing with it all at one time. I am still grieving Ireland, still missing her, still hating that she's gone. At the same time holding out all hope that this little one is still doing ok and being extremely happy and excited to meet him or her.
Grief brain + pregnancy brain = some very messed up days! There are days when I literally don't know what I'm doing. My head spins just trying to complete the most mundane and easy tasks, things that should not require thinking but they do! It's rather frustrating. What I've come to realize in the passed couple weeks it that it's everything in life hitting me. Like I said, pregnancy brain. Any woman who has been pg knows what I'm talking about, it really sucks your thougths right out of your head. But grief, wow. Grief does the same thing but about 10 times worse I think, and trying to deal with that at the same time, well I feel sorry for some of the people in my life! lol. Luckily I have good people around me who understand.