Saturday, January 22, 2011

So much, So little

It seems I have a million thoughts running thru my head but no way to get them out. So much I want to get out but don't know how.
One thing I'm feeling almost every day is guilt. I have 4 children here on this earth. Amazing children, wonderful children. But they can drive me crazy. I have a six year old boy who doesn't sleep in his own bed no matter what we try. I have four year old boy/girl twins who are, well, four. Who ever came up with terrible two's had no idea that the 'fours' would be a hundred times worse! And then there's my sweet little 8 month old girl. She is my absolute joy right now but starting to scoot around the living room getting in to everything she can't have. My days are long, and I do get frustrated a lot and let that frustration come out in ways it shouldn't. I yell, on really, really bad days I scream-which doesn't often much anymore as long as I take my meds and try really hard to keep myself calm.
All of that anger make me feel absolutely horrible. I know so many wonderful women who have lost their babies, their arms are empty. All they want is their child back to love, to kiss, to hold, and here I am yelling at my kids! It's not right, it's not fair, it makes me feel like absolute crap.

Why do I get blessed with 4 kids while others lose 1, 2, 3, more! Not fair.