Saturday, December 29, 2012

Heading into 2013

 I find myself a little started to look at Ireland tickers on my blog and see that she has been gone for 3 years, 9 can I be heading towards her 4th birthday already.  Her birthday this year was such a blur, we were in such a disastrous place in life with moving and such that I just felt I had to energy to give.  Of course that made me feel guilty but I've been too tired to even do much of that this year.  2012.  Wow.  What a shitty year.  Things tanked big time for me this year.  It's hard to top the year that your baby dies, but this came close.   My children are healthy so of course that is all that matters, everything I can get through, I just wish I wasn't in such a struggle.

  The "new year".  Everyone makes resolutions and thinks about what may come.  I don't put much thought into that.  To me it's just another flip of the calendar.  If I'm going to think about life and resolutions and what changes I might want to make I'll do it when I feel there is a reason to do it in my life.  Birthdays seem like a good time for that.  Or the coming of a school year.  January just feels like everything is already half started, why would I want to start new?   If it's a big deal to you, then I hope you have a great new years eve, and that you are able to set your sights in 2013 for whatever you may be reaching for.  For me, 2013 is just another year, waiting to see if the good will out weigh the bad...lets hope so.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

What is to be...

I really do need to blog more, hard to get in the habit.   I forget how lovely it is here,  my blog made so awesome by Franchesca Cox of Small Bird Studios.  She is amazing and creates beauty.

  I am hoping to start using this blog to track my journey through trying to get memory boxes into the hospital for families who lose babies.  I haven't done a lot of work on it lately, I had sent some emails but never heard back.   I think it may be something that is put off until December, or maybe even after christmas.  I've got a table in a craft fair on December 1st so I'm trying to get stuff together for that and hopefully it will go well.

Friday, June 1, 2012


 My anxiety has kicked into high gear tonite.  My lovely cousin is over due, one week and one day.  Her dr has decided to induce her tomorrow morning.  I am so excited for her and her husband.  The lost a baby last year and so far this pregnancy has been just great for her, but I know all to well that perfect pregnancies can still end heart break.  I also know having induction raises the risks for some complications, so I will not be able to relax until I get the news that her sweet baby girl has come safely into this world.  

Waiting impatiently...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I come to you, my heart in my hands, broke into pieces.  Sharp, jagged shards like glass I struggle to put back together.  Just as my heart takes shape and starts to come together, you slip and shatter it over again.  I am sliced to ribbons, bleeding crimson,  burning pain, yet I hold tighter to the fragments.  There must be a way to mend it, to make it better again.  To stop the searing pain and have it only be a memory.

Monday, April 9, 2012

} Swirling {

  So many thoughts swirling in my head.  My husband and I are dealing with issues.  We are living with my parents while we figure out work and a place to live, so Garry and I plus 4 children living with 2 other adults.  We only have one room for us all, squishy.  I must say tho, my parents have been wonderful.  My mom usually gets them breakfast, giving me a bit of break.
  Garry has work, there's just not much of it yet.  He's doing flagging (traffic control), but he's at the bottom of the list so it's just waiting it out until he can climb up the ladder to full time.
  Now I have to decide if I try to find work, which means daycare for Scarlet and possibly daycare the other kids depending on what kind of hours I find at a job.  Or do I go back to school to look at something different. I've been contemplating doing a counselling course,  specifically grief counselling.  I would love to find a way to give back to others going thru grief, mainly parents who've lost children.  I still want to do my photography and focus on doing that as much as I can becuz I really do love it.   I still want to get involved in the hospital in some way to help parents deal with losing a baby, at any stage in pregnancy.  I still have issues holding me back from looking into this as I don't know if I'm ready to go thru the steps that it will take for that.  Some day I know I will, I just need to work myself up to that.

  My mind is still failing me.  My memory seems to be non-existent.  I can't remember the simplest thing, even if I write them down.  My medication is crap, but it's free so can't really complain much at this point.

  I'm hoping in the next month things will work themselves out somewhat and we can find a place to be home for now and get settled into this new life.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Wow, It's Been Too Long!

   Oh how blogging has gotten away from me.  I knew it had been a while, but August!  wow!  I guess it's just been one this after another, September came and back to school with the twins starting kindergarten.  Baby Scarlet, who isn't a baby anymore but a toddler, started daycare and I continued working full time.  My husband wasn't working and the stress of every little thing was piling up, more than I knew, and by December part of me cracked.  It was like the load just came down and I could no longer breathe.  I quite my job, suddenly,  my anxiety was so high I had to walk away.  I spent the rest of December and January in a funk,  our last bit income come and gone, we didn't know what we going to do.
    My husband took a traffic control course (flagging) and even tho we heard many places were hiring he didn't hear back.  Things were tight, and finally he got a call and he's been working full time since.  Flagging is unpredictable so it could change at any time but we'll take what we can get.   There been a lot of other small ups and downs...downs that on top of already stressful situation felt crushing but we're working them out.
    We're considering moving back to our home town, there's a whole other stress.  Finding a job, finding a place to live, moving the kids to a new school, I would probably have to find a job which would mean finding a new daycare for Scarlet.  All of that puts that weight back on chest and I feel like I can't breathe, but that is where I really want to be so we'll see what we can do.
   I'm on a new medication and hoping I can get some of my energy back and start creating again.  Soon, hopefully soon.