What Will Happen Today?

Pendants

2011-08-24T23:27:00.001-07:00

I've been making pendants. They're family tree pendants and I must say, I LOVE THEM! I don't often love something so much that I've made myself but I really love the way these come out.

The info is here on my facebook page: HeartCrafted

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.214311971913050.56735.202389506438630

I also have a wide variety of loss ribbons available, October 15th is coming up-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

If you're not into facebook you can email me at heartcrafted@live.ca

Music is Healing

2011-08-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

Carly has started a "music class" blog post, check it out here:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2011/08/the-project-heal-music-class-week-one.html

A way for babyloss parents to share the music that is important to them. Music has ALWAYS been huge for me. I use it to work thru everything in my life, from happiness to sadness. Music says so much that I could never say myself.
I love most kinds of music, if it has lyrics that speak to me or a good beat. Music is just wonderful for life. I don't play any instruments or sing...well I sing, but only when no one is around to hear me! lol.

There are a couple songs that are really special to me. The first one is called "The Blood of Cuchulainn. It's instrumental and I don't know why this song gets to me, but I could sob whenever I hear it. I just FEEL Ireland in it, I can't explain it. If you listen to it, the part from 1:17 to 1:35 is my favorite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuC1DqC67GM

The other song I'll share is called Ireland and it's by Garth Brooks. It's actually about war but there are a few lyrics that are just perfect, and of course hearing anything with your child's name is always beautiful. My favorite lyrics of the song are:
"Her eyes are the stars in heaven, watching o'ver us all the while
And her heart it is in Ireland, deep within the emerald isle"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOUiboOsUwU

Signs

2011-07-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get better at blogging. I'm usually so tired...well, lazy...that I do facebook and that's it. But I won this lovely pre-made blog design by Fran at Small Bird Studios (found here http://smallbirdstudios.com/ check her out if you haven't before, she is amazing) so I want this space to be used since it is OH SO pretty now!

Anyway, on to my post...
Signs. I think sometimes I look too hard for them. I want to know so badly that Ireland is still with me on some level -any level- that I search too hard, and then I wonder if it's really a sign or just something that I want to think is a sign. Ugh. However on Tuesday at work I had a co worker point out a customers keychain that was a clover that said Ireland on it as well as a sheep with a 'luck' saying of some sort. It was very similar to a keychain I bought that reminds me of my baby girl. This I just must believe was sent from my girl. I asked the woman where she got the keychain and she said "it came from Ireland". Even my co worker said she was sending us a hello on a bad day.
Then yesterday I was stuck behind a truck while on a 30 minute drive. It wasn't until about half way to our destination that I realized the truck had a clover on the back of it...again, thank you baby girl.

I just need to remember to step back and let life happen. She will come to me when I need her to.

Sleep

2011-07-23T23:52:00.000-07:00

Sleep has not come easy lately. Too much stress and my mind cannot relax. I'm too tired to do anything so nothing gets done around the house and I don't work on any of my art. Something has to get me moving. Depression sucks.

Hooray!

2011-07-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

I just won a premade blog by the wonderful Franchesca Cox at Small Bird Studios. Time to start blogging again!

Check out this give away

2011-04-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

The Vintage Pearl is hosting an awesome give away. I've never heard of them until today but the jewelery is gorgeous. Check it out and enter to win.

http://thevintagepearl.blogspot.com/2011/03/happy-birthday-to-me-big-giveaway.html

So much, So little

2011-01-22T12:45:00.001-08:00

It seems I have a million thoughts running thru my head but no way to get them out. So much I want to get out but don't know how.
One thing I'm feeling almost every day is guilt. I have 4 children here on this earth. Amazing children, wonderful children. But they can drive me crazy. I have a six year old boy who doesn't sleep in his own bed no matter what we try. I have four year old boy/girl twins who are, well, four. Who ever came up with terrible two's had no idea that the 'fours' would be a hundred times worse! And then there's my sweet little 8 month old girl. She is my absolute joy right now but starting to scoot around the living room getting in to everything she can't have. My days are long, and I do get frustrated a lot and let that frustration come out in ways it shouldn't. I yell, on really, really bad days I scream-which doesn't often much anymore as long as I take my meds and try really hard to keep myself calm.
All of that anger make me feel absolutely horrible. I know so many wonderful women who have lost their babies, their arms are empty. All they want is their child back to love, to kiss, to hold, and here I am yelling at my kids! It's not right, it's not fair, it makes me feel like absolute crap.

Why do I get blessed with 4 kids while others lose 1, 2, 3, more! Not fair.

October 15th

2010-10-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

October is miscarriage/stillborn/infant loss awareness month. Spread the word. Visit Written in the Stars to request a namr for your lost child.

No Time

2010-09-29T21:20:00.001-07:00

I keep saying to myself every day that I'm going to start writing, yet I always end up doing something else. It's a busy couple days for me, I've been editing photos from 3 shoots, I'm on the last batch but they need to be done by tomorrow morning so it's another busy nite. Eventually I will start writing some more.
Scarlet is such a blessing. Always missing my Ireland.

AppleCheeks Give Away

2010-09-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

I've just recently started trying out cloth diapering with Scarlet, so far I'm finding it ok. I don't have many diapers so it's very part time right now but I would love more.
There's a great company called AppleCheeks and I would love to try their diapers, I've heard they're fabulous. They are doing a give away right now! So if you cloth diaper, or are interested in trying, head on over to their blog...
http://blog.applecheeks.com/posts/2010/9/10/our-first-official-giveaway.html#comments

Loving her...

2010-09-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

always missing her sister...

She's here!

2010-05-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

Scarlet was born May 11th, at 1:41pm. 6 pounds, 11 ounces and perfectly healthy.

Ready

2010-05-06T23:17:00.001-07:00

I am definately ready to have this baby. I've been ready for weeks. Everyone keeps asking how I'm doing and telling me to be patient...it will happen when baby is ready. Easier said than done. I know everyone means well but it's very hard for me to sit back and wait. I want this baby here in my arms where I can SEE her and know she's ok. I want to count her fingers and toes and watch her sleep. Most of all I want to look at her face until I can't keep my eyes open any longer, and stroke her head.

When you have lost a baby it adds a whole new level of fear and longing to have your baby here with you. I had an ultra sound at almost 20 weeks and I haven't 'seen' her since. I can feel her and I get to hear her heart beatin at my appointments, both of those things are wonderful...but it's not the same as having her here in my arms to KNOW she's ok. Bad things can happen at any time, I know that just becuz she is in my arms doesn't mean I can protect her from all the bad thing in this world, but I can sure try!

Everything is well

2010-04-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's been far too long since I've last written but I just can't find the time or energy...mainly energy. Writing usually makes me feel better but lately it just feels like work trying to come up with words that make sense. Nothing make sense! Nothing come together right in my head, there doesn't seem to be words that fit my feelings.

I went thru Ireland's birthday feeling like I would have some kind of peace afterwords, well I don't. I almost feel worse. Part of me wants to just pack all of her stuff away and not look at it, and that makes me sad. I leave it out tho becuz I know that if I were to put it all away and see that empty spot on the wall every day I would go crazy feeling like I just packed HER in a box. I'm sure a lot of it is emotions about this new baby coming. In no way do I feel like I'm replacing Ireland but it's also very hard. I've gotten used to wanting everything I can to remind of Ireland but now I have to put that aside, somewhat, and focus on a new baby that's going to need love and attention.

My emotions are jumbled and everything is confusing right now.

Missing Ireland

2010-01-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

I am having one of those nites. A nite where all I feel is the yearning for Ireland. I want to feel it, I want to surround myself with it, bring it in to me. It's amazing how tired crying can make you, but it's needed. It's not a bad thing, I'm feeling her loss tonite and it's alright! It's OK!!

*My Immortal* Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

2009

2009-12-27T20:57:00.000-08:00

I sit on the couch, computer in my lap, feeling little kicks and squirms in my lower belly. I think back on this past year with smiles and tears. Last year at this same time I was pregnant but didn't know it yet and really not having a great year, hoping that 2009 would be better for me. Well 2009 held other surprises...
Found out we were pregnant mid January sometime and struggled a lot with that. Neither of us wanted another baby, the timing was horrible but we came to terms with it. Finally we made it public news and I was getting excited when my world was shattered. March 14th, 2009 I gave birth to Ireland Lila at 15 weeks pregnant. She had gotten an infection somehow left this world before she came into it. We love her dearly and is part of our family-she just cannot be here with us physically.

Then at the beginning of September I found out I was pregnant again. Filled with hope and fear, the pregnancy process started again with ultrasounds and appts. There is no rest for brain which is always wondering the worst but so far everything is great. I went thru Ireland's due date, sad she was not here, and hoping that this baby will make it. Christmas came with mixed emotions this year. I am so happy that this baby girl is doing well but I also miss my Ireland so much and am sad that she did not get her chance. It's very strange emotions to be pregnant and grieving at the same time.
My parents got Ireland a christmas present, it is a beautiful tree ornament but I think I will leave it out with her stuff. I just don't want to pack it away in a box until next year.

2010 is approaching and I wonder what it will bring. This baby girl is still kicking away making me smile. Please let her come to us safe and healthy in 4 months.

Been a while...

2009-11-17T21:38:00.000-08:00

Good thing I don't have any constant blog readers! lol. Oh life. It does throw things at us doesn't it. Guess what? We are pregnant! (now for all of you reading this from fb you obviously know this already)
It happened in August. Life happens in strange ways. Back in 2003 when we were trying to get pregnant it took almost a year with 2 losses in that time. Now that we're not trying we've ended up pregnant twice! This time is going far better.
I am 15 weeks, just passed the point that we lost Ireland. Every day is hard. I miss Ireland. I miss her, knowing she should be here now, I should be holding her and having sleepless nites and wondering how in the hell I get thru the day with 4 kids. On the other hand I've got this new little life inside me and that day will hopefully come when I am dealing with all that with this little one but it is hard on the emotions dealing with it all at one time. I am still grieving Ireland, still missing her, still hating that she's gone. At the same time holding out all hope that this little one is still doing ok and being extremely happy and excited to meet him or her.

Grief brain + pregnancy brain = some very messed up days! There are days when I literally don't know what I'm doing. My head spins just trying to complete the most mundane and easy tasks, things that should not require thinking but they do! It's rather frustrating. What I've come to realize in the passed couple weeks it that it's everything in life hitting me. Like I said, pregnancy brain. Any woman who has been pg knows what I'm talking about, it really sucks your thougths right out of your head. But grief, wow. Grief does the same thing but about 10 times worse I think, and trying to deal with that at the same time, well I feel sorry for some of the people in my life! lol. Luckily I have good people around me who understand.

My Week

2009-07-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

Last Friday my best friend and I, along with our kiddos, went camping together for the first time. Oh we had a blast! Sarah and I always have fun together, that's just what we do. Can't wait to do it again.

And then on July 27th it was our 7th wedding anniversary. We both forgot until later in the afternoon. He has got to love having a wife that forgets these things!! Altho unfortunately there are other not so good memories that go along in this week and my mind tends to get jumbled. I try my hardest to keep my thoughts on the good times and I am getting better as the time goes on, but for me July 29th sticks out and I have to remember that the 27th is the date to look forward to.

July 29th, 2003. Two days after my first anniversary. I was pregnant. SO excited to be pregnant. I had a miscarriage in March at just over 6 weeks, the circumstances surrounding that pregnancy were not good and it was a horrilbe and confusing time. This time everything was great! Garry and I were excited. I had read and heard so much about how a first miscarriage is very common, I was still scared but hopeful. Then on July 29th, after a small party with good friends at my parents I started spotting. I had a little earlier in the day but nothing that would make me worry. By that nite I knew this baby would not make it. The next day was horrible and will not get into it. A long day at the hospital, dr's telling me that there could be a chance we'd have to wait and see...but I knew. The baby was gone. I was just under 7 weeks. Pregnancy would never be the same for me after that. It's been 6 years since then and it still stings...and now of course it brings my mind back to other sweet angel that I at least got to meet before she flew off to the stars...

Oh and then there's the 23rd. Sheri's birthday is the 23rd, she was my best friend growing up. We don't talk much now but we're still friends and I know I could count on her if there was ever anything that I happened to need. However July 23rd 1996 crushed me, it broke me down inside and I've never been the same since then. I've always had worries, I worry a lot about everything and the people I love, but that nite changed my worry to fear I think. My friend died that day, a good friend. It's funny cuz we didn't hang out outside of work. Every now and then the group of us would get together but not often. He was someone that everyone loved tho. He had a vibe about him and you just KNEW he was a good person, someone that would be willing to help you in anyway you need. Always smiling, always. Always telling me to smile, always.
It crushed everyone who knew him. I miss him dearly, as I know everyone who knew him does too. Some may think it strange that I have a photo of his grave marker. I am a visual person. The only photos I have of Nathan are the ones from the paper when he died. I didn't go to the cemetary often but when I did I would just sit with my hand on his stone. It seems so silly, I'm the kind to need somewhere to go to grieve. I believe you can sit in a quiet spot wherever you want and find that person. Sometimes tho it is nice to go the spot that they rest. I cannot do that, so I have my photo.

Love you Ireland

2009-07-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

She was with us at the beach today.

Green

2009-07-19T21:30:00.001-07:00

Green is my new color. I used to be an all pink girl, and I still love pink. But after naming our daughter Ireland I can't help but be drawn to green. Green and clovers. She is my angel, I miss her dearly.

question

2009-06-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

Under The Tree. A site for anyone who has lost a baby. Please check it out.
http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/06/under-tree-june.html

Monthy questions, thought I'd join in.

Hair Color: Brunette - well that s my natural colour,at the moment my hair has a rich burgundy through it
Eye color: Blue/Grey
Profession: Website Manager and Mother to 3 beautifulchildren
Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:
Favorite color: Pink
Favorite movie: too many to name
Favorite animal: tiger
Favorite store: Walmart!
Favorite childhood memory: no sure
Favorite hobby: photography
Favorite song/singer: Kelly Clarkson
Favorite book/author: Mary Higgins Clarke
Favorite school subject: Art
Favorite vacation destination: New York
Favoritefood: almond chicken and chicken chow mein
Favorite restaurant: Iron Wok

This or That
Coke or pepsi : right now, pepsi (subject to change, lol)
Beer or wine: yuck
Coffee or tea: depends on the day
Apple Juice or O.J.: apple juice
Summer or Winter: absolutely summer
Cats or dogs: dog
Salty or sweet: Sweet usually
Plane or boat: boat
Morning or night: nite
Money or love: Love
Breakfast or dinner: dinner
Forgiveness or revenge: tough one
House or apartment: house

Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: Yes
Wished you were someone else: yes
Cried during a movie: ALL the time

Describe yourself in one word: pessimistic
Biggest fear: losing my children
Biggest mistake: ?
Your proudest accomplishment: my kids, starting my business
Dream job: being able to make a living with my photography
Special talents: ?
Where would you rather be at the moment: on a hot beach
Famous person you want to meet: Angelina Jolie
Song to be played at your funeral: You Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlan

The Hard Photos

2009-05-22T12:29:00.001-07:00

When my daughter died, a piece of me died with her. I was 14 weeks 5 days pregnant when my daughter was born, and I have nothing physical to show she was here. My biggest regret is not sending someone for my camera so I could take pictures of her.

This may sound grotesque or make you cringe. Pictures of your dead baby? What? (and i know how harsh that sounds too, but the world without your child is a harsh and horrible place) Unless you have actually been in this situation you will not understand. And I'm sure even some that have been in this situation don't like the idea, everyone is different, that is what makes the world so wonderful. All I have of my daughter is 2 ultra sounds photos from 9 weeks along, a couple pictures of my pregnant belly. That is it. That is not enough for me. I don't want others to be in that same spot, wishing they had even a few pictures of their precious child before they were gone forever. It's a hard thing to think about at the time which is why I want to do something. I have found a few wonderful organization that have photographers offer their time and expertise to take photo's for people who have lost a child or have a sick child. http://www.acpcg.com/nicu.htm It is incredible.

I am hoping to start something with the local hospitals to some how offer a service like this. It has to be put together in just the right way. The wording will be the hardest part I think. I want people to feel comfortable and know that taking pictures is a good idea, even if you're not sure you want them done you can always gets rid of them-but you will not have another chance to have them taken.

How great it would be for me to offer this to someone. To take those photos and keep them safe for something who is not sure if they want them, store them until that day when that person realizes all they want to do is be able to look at their child...and there they are. Those glorious photos. Now I just have to put this into action. The site above has a place where they list photographers and their locations, there is also an organization call Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that offers the same service, just go to google to find them and they have the same kind of info for their photographers.

This is my passion and I will make it a reality eventually.

Rest in peace my angel.

Tattoo complete

2009-05-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

I had my tattoo for Ireland done a couple weeks, I put photo's up on my other blog but forgot to put them up here. there is a link on the right side that will take you to my photo blog if you want to see it finished.

Tired

2009-04-07T20:13:00.001-07:00

Grieving is tiring. It sucks everything out of you. I get up and go to work and I have to pretend that I'm ok and fight my way thru the day. I have to take my kids to daycare and walk out while my youngest boy cries. I know that many parents do this every day, right now I just hate it even more. I want nothing more than to be home with my kids even tho they may be driving me crazy, they are here and I love them. I sit down at the end of the day and I feel like I've been running all day, it's like my body has taken on the weight of all of my emotions and it takes all the strength I have to try to get a few things done.

Every morning I get up it hits me that I am no longer pregnant. That I will not be having a baby. I hate the thought of going thru August when I had plans to be off and spend the month with family while we wait for our little one to show up. I need to lose weight cuz I hate looking at my stomach knowing I could pass for a couple months pregnant, I could before I got pregnant again but now it just makes me sad and angry. And even tho it makes me feel like that, there's another part of me that just doesn't care and eats a bunch of crap anyway becuz eating isn't something I feel like doing so it's usually crap that I end up eating becuz at least it takes alright.

Tattoo

2009-03-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

I think I've come up with a tattoo design for my daughter's memory. Still considering, not sure about the clover... Also, the feet themselves I want tattooed in the actual size that her feet were which was the size of the tip of my pinky.

How do you explain

2009-03-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

Our oldest son will ask about the baby every now and then and of course there is no good way to explain to a four year old that she is gone. He doesn't understand. Just as he doesn't understand that his Nana is gone will never come back, we have remind him every couple months when he talks about seeing her. I know it's gonna be just as hard for the next couple months having to remind him that there is no baby anymore.

I want the world to know

2009-03-23T13:06:00.000-07:00

I want to tell everyone I see about Ireland. No one will get to meet her. We won't get to see her first smile, her first step, hear her first word. I hate it. And as much as it hurts that she's gone I still feel the need to shout from the roof tops that SHE WAS HERE!!! My baby girl grew in my belly for 14 short weeks but she was with us!! I felt her and heard her little heart beating...hell my husband found her heart beat the night I gave birth to her!! She was here and she was loved.

nothing to say

2009-03-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

i miss her.

I want my baby girl back

2009-03-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

I hate my body for betraying her, for sending her out before she was ready. This pregnancy was not good news for us but things were looking up. We were finally feeling like everything would work out, we could do this. I was finally excited to be pregnant. I don't blame myself for what happened but I can't help but feel bad for some of my thoughts and actions. Part of me thought it would be easier if we lost the baby and didn't have to worry about, early on when we first found out about it and we were both really scared. I'd had 2 early miscarriages in the past and I wondered why I had to lose those babies but get pregnant when I didn't want to be.
We considered not having the baby. I really thought long and hard about it but I knew I couldn't do that. After my previous losses I just couldn't get rid of this baby, it had to be with us for a reason. I had an u/s and found out I was 9 weeks along. Between 10 and 11 weeks I started to feel the baby moving, just little bubble feelings, but I could feel it. 12 weeks came and things were good. I felt I was passed the danger point, going in to my 2nd trimester I was feeling really good about life and the baby. Part of me worried a little becuz I had one really bad nite of drinking when I would have been around 6 weeks and I didn't know I was pregnant yet, and the odd drink thru out the weeks earlier thru christmas time. But things looked good at the u/s and I was sure things would be ok.

And now she's gone. Gone. Labour at 14 weeks 4 days. It's just not right. My baby girl, so small, not anywhere close to ready. It's not fair. I wish I would have touched her one more time, but I know "one more time" would never be enough. I wish for one more minute with her, but "one more minute" would never be enough. The thing I really regret is not getting her foot prints, or hand prints. I never want to forget her.

My Baby Girl

2009-03-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

The baby who was to be the newest member of our family come September is now gone. I went into labour Saturday March 14, 2009 at 14 weeks, 4 days pregnant. I was already in full labour and dialating when I got to the hospital and nothing could be done. It was terribly heartbreaking as we found her heartbeat on the doppler when we first got there around 9pm, she was still alive and kicking but there was no hope for her.
After a tremendous amount of pain our daughter, Ireland Lila, was born at 11:35pm. We got to see her. She was about the size of my hand, her little feet the size of the tip of my pinky finger. I just wanted to take her all in, could see each little rib, her hands were perfect with little nailbeds waiting for nails. Her long legs bent at the knee, those little feet that had been kicking at me for weeks which I was finally feeling.

My heart is broken. My three children are keeping me sane, keeping me going. I hate my body for 'kicking out' my sweet baby girl, so loved. She deserves to be here, we deserve to have her here.

For a good cause

2009-02-09T19:50:00.000-08:00

There are 2 sweet little girls out there who's families could use some help. Both girls have spent or are still spending time in the NICU and they're fighters! Check out this blog which is having an online baby shower! You can enter to win prizes and also donate to the family if at all possible. http://leeloublogs.blogspot.com/2009/02/its-time-to-party.html Please check it out.

I am hopeful

2009-01-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a long time I feel that there may be hope after all. Yesterday was the first day of MY new year. My new beginning.

Kraft Hockeyville 2009

2009-01-09T13:54:00.001-08:00

Kraft Hockeyville 2009

Posted using ShareThis

Loss

2008-11-12T18:06:00.000-08:00

"They say I lost the baby, like it was my keys or something"

That's a line from a movie, a line that cuts into my heart. It's so true. When you have a miscarriage that's what you say..."I lost the baby" And sometimes it sounds so stupid.

lost – adjective
1. no longer possessed or retained

I don't know why this is in my head right now, just a random thought. The pain of a miscarriage never leaves you, it dissipates, it gets easier, but it never goes away. It comes up at odd times and overwhelms you, takes over your thoughts. At times like this I just want to curl up, watch a sad movie and cry-get out all my emotions and move on. Times like this make me even more thankful for the 3 healthy children that I was blessed with.

Life

2008-10-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

Oh it's amazing how life can drag you down some days and lift you up the next. Life has been a little hard for us lately, but we're getting thru, we're trying. Trying is all I can ask for, and all I need.
This is a vague post, I know.

music from 1996

2008-10-24T22:24:00.001-07:00

Ok she got me again! Julia at http://sevenangels7.blogspot.com/ has another fun thing up today...You go to this website http://musicoutfitters.com/ type in the year you grad'ed in the search box and it takes you to a list of the top 100 songs from that year. Then you bold the ones you really like and strike thru the ones you hate. now I cannt figure out how to strike thru something so i'm going to put the ones i don't care either way in italics and leave the ones i hate. lol

1. Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix), Los Del Rio

2. One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men

3. Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion

4. Nobody Knows, Tony Rich Project

5. Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey

6. Give Me One Reason, Tracy Chapman

7. Tha Crossroads, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

8. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis

9. You're Makin' Me High/Let It Flow, Toni Braxton

10. Twisted, Keith Sweat

11. C'mon N' Ride It (The Train), Quad City Dj's

12. Missing, Everything But The Girl

13. Ironic, Alanis Morissette

14. Exhale (Shoop Shoop), Whitney Houston

15. Follow You Down/Til I Hear It From You, Gin Blossoms

16. Sittin' Up In My Room, Brandy

17. How Do U Want It/California Love, 2Pac

18. It's All Coming Back To Me Now, Celine Dion

19. Change The World, Eric Clapton

20. Hey Lover, LL Cool J

21. Loungin, LL Cool J

22. Insensitive, Jann Arden

23. Be My Lover, La Bouche

24. Name, Goo Goo Dolls

25. Who Will Save Your Soul, Jewel

26. Where Do You Go, No Mercy

27. I Can't Sleep Baby (If I), R. Kelly

28. Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla

29. You Learn/You Oughta Know, Alanis Morissette

30. One Of Us, Joan Osborne

31. Wonder, Natalie Merchant

32. Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige

33. Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio

34. Only You, 112 Featuring The Notorious B.I.G.

35. Down Low (Nobody Has To Know), R. Kelly

36. You're The One, SWV

37. Sweet Dreams, La Bouche

38. Before You Walk Out Of My Life/Like This And Like That, Monica

39. Breakfast At Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something

40. 1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New), Coolio

41. The World I Know, Collective Soul

42. No Diggity, BLACKstreet (Featuring Dr. Dre)

43. Anything, 3t

44. 1979, The Smashing Pumpkins

45. Diggin' On You, TLC

46. Why I Love You So Much/Ain't Nobody, Monica

47. Kissin' You, Total

48. Count On Me, Whitney Houston and Cece Winans

49. Fantasy, Mariah Carey

50. Time, Hootie and The Blowfish

51. You'll See, Madonna

52. Last Night, Az Yet

53. Mouth, Merril Bainbridge

54. The Earth, The Sun, The Rain, Color Me Badd

55. All The Things (Your Man Won't Do), Joe

56. Wonderwall, Oasis

57. Woo-hah!! Got You All In Check/Everything Remains Raw, Busta Rhymes

58. Tell Me, Groove Theory

59. Elevators (Me and You), Outkast

60. Hook, Blues Traveler

61. Doin It, LL Cool J

62. Fastlove, George Michael

63. Touch Me Tease Me, Case Featuring Foxxy Brown

64. Tonite's Tha Night, Kris Kross

65. Children, Robert Miles

66. Theme From Mission: Impossible, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen

67. Closer To Free, Bodeans

68. Just A Girl, No Doubt

69. If Your Girl Only Knew, Aaliyah

70. Lady, D'angelo

71. Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First), John Mellencamp

72. Pony, Ginuwine

73. Nobody, Keith Sweat

74. Old Man and Me (When I Get To Heaven), Hootie and The Blowfish

75. If It Makes You Happy, Sheryl Crow

76. As I Lay Me Down, Sophie B. Hawkins

77. Keep On, Keepin' On, Mc Lyte

78. Jealousy, Natalie Merchant

79. I Want To Come Over, Melissa Etheridge

80. Who Do U Love, Deborah Cox

81. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton

82. This Is Your Night, Amber

83. You Remind Me Of Something, R. Kelly

84. Runaway, Janet Jackson

85. Set U Free, Planet Soul

86. Hit Me Off, New Edition

87. No One Else, Total

88. My Boo, Ghost Town Dj's

89. Get Money, Junior M.A.F.I.A.

90. That Girl, Maxi Priest Featuring Shaggy

91. Po Pimp, Do Or Die

92. Until It Sleeps, Metallica

93. Hay, Crucial Conflict

94. Beautiful Life, Ace Of Base

95. Back For Good, Take That

96. I Got Id/Long Road, Pearl Jam

97. Soon As I Get Home, Faith Evans

98. Macarena, Los Del Rio

99. Only Wanna Be With You, Hootie and The Blowfish

100. Don't Cry, Seal

2008-10-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

So I've stumbled upon a blog: http://sevenangels7.blogspot.com/ written by a woman named Julia. She writes honestly about personal things, and I was interested becuz she has had many miscarriages and I just can't imagine. But being thru 2 myself I tend to get caught up in others experiences. Anyway, her blog is very fun and I actually won a prize from her (and you will never guess what the contest was! lol) and she was even sweet enough to send it to me up here in Canada even tho it was 2 books which I hope wasn't too pricey to send.

Ok that gets us back to now, something fun from her blog that I figured I'd do cuz I have nothing else to write about right now.

1. Where is your cell phone? shelf
2. Where is your significant other? work
3. Your hair color? black
4. Your mother? amazing
5. Your father? strong
6. Your favorite thing? photography
7. Your dream last night? dunno
8. Your dream/goal? photographer
9. The room you’re in? living
10. Your hobby? photography
11. Your fear? money
12. Where do you want to be in six years? home
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? confident
15. One of your wish list items? camera
16. Where you grew up? Nanaimo
17. The last thing you did? facebook
18. What are you wearing? glasses
19. Your T.V.? GREY'S!!
20. Your pet? annoying
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? sad
23. Missing someone? yes
24. Your car? accord
25. Something you’re not wearing? earrings
26. Favorite store? micheals
27. Your Summer? hard
28.Love someone? overly
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? today

So tell me your story...

2008-10-13T18:05:00.000-07:00

There is blog called "So Tell Me Your Story", it is a scrapbook challenge blog. I've been checking it out for a while now but just haven't gotten around to doing a challenge yet, this month I decided to jump in. The challenge is to make a layout about your favorit quote/poem/whatnot and explain-just words, no pictures. Here's what I came up with. Mine is a digital scrap page.

The kit is called Rainy Day Collection by Retrodiva Designs

Pain

2008-10-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

There is some pain, some hurt that doesn't go away. It just seems to sit there. When it first happens it fills your whole body, you tingle, your stomach is in knots, your legs don't feel like they can even move. You want to just curl up in ball and forget that you even exist. But you can't, you've got children to look after and job to go to cuz you have bills to pay. So you get up, you manage to put one foot in front of the other and move thru your day. It's like your numb and not feeling anything. At least until another blow hits and then someone you feel worse than before, even tho you didn't think that was possible. Paint a smile on your face, pretend everything ok. When you're along you can let it all out, cry yourself to sleep, wonder how you let yourself get to this point in life. Why don't you feel like you deserve better. Your kids, they are your light, the bright part of every day.
So get up, put one foot in front of the other, try to feel better until something else hits, cuz it will...it's only a matter of time.

Pics from the hockey tournament

2008-10-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

Jorja watching Daddy play hockey
Jorja playin and being silly
My handsome husband
Ryder with Grampa watching the zamboni

A lot to be proud of

2008-09-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

My last post was about how proud I was of my babes for doing so well in daycare. (they had a good 2 days after that as well) Today I am proud of my husband...well of course I'm proud of him every day but today my heart is captured again. Garry put on a hockey tournament this weekend to raise money for MS (multiple sclerosis). My mom was diagnosed in 2000 and has been fighting ever since.
Garry loves playing hockey, always has. He's played in different fun tournaments, ice hockey and roller hockey. Last year he decided he wanted to put on his own tournament but do it for a good cause-and for us that cause is MS. He did a great job. He got some great prizes, got help from others who got some great prizes, had spectacular jerzies made for his team, made sure he had all kinds of team prizes, had a good friend put on a dinner with partial procedes going to MS as well. Yes it's been stressfull, yes it's been hard work but it's all paid off this weekend. All the teams have had fun and I think most are looking forward to next year already! We don't know the final count on money raised but I'm sure it was pretty decent.
The kids even did well being at the arena half the day yesterday and Cooper made a new friend.

To my dear husband: Thank you. Thank you for all your hard work that nobody seen but me. Thank you for putting up with crabbiness when I was having a bad day and being a baby about not having more time with you. Thank you for putting together a weekend that will benefit my mother and many others dealing with this horrible disease. Thank you for loving me and being so wonderful.

Daycare

2008-09-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

One day down, 2 to go. I am so proud of my babies (ok, i know they're toddles, but they're still my babies) today. They went to daycare for the first time and they both did wonderful. I am so blessed that I have a job that can work around my husbands schedule so that one of us usually home with the children and we don't have to worry about daycare. This week and next is a little messed up and the kids have to do daycare a couple days and I am so thankful that they did well and had a good time.
Next week we need someone to actually come to the house for Friday afternoon/evening, we'll see how they do with someone else giving them dinner and putting them to bed!

2008-09-08T21:56:00.000-07:00

I sit on the couch, slouched into the corner, laptop on my lap. Left foot planted on the floor, right foot stretched out resting gently on my husband's foot. He reads, I type. I hope the boys stay asleep. I hear the wind rattle the large windows on my right, I wonder if that's what is waking the boys up tonite or if it's just another normal 'non-sleeping' nite in our house.
I give thanx for my family, me three beautiful kids. I am blessed.

long days

2008-09-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've always respected parents, working parents, stay at home parents. Both jobs are hard in different ways. I do enjoy working but I miss my family too. I miss not having as many of these moments...

In the new house!

2008-08-13T23:12:00.001-07:00

We successfully moved July 31st. It was a long day as moving usually is. We're squishing ourselves into a 2 bedroom place which is interesting. We're still unpacking and trying to find a place for everything. I'm working full time now so I've got even less time at home and the last thing I feel like doing is unpacking.

way too tired

2008-07-26T21:55:00.001-07:00

alright, i've been way too tired to post anything. working a lot, still packing and doing all that "mommy" stuff too.

tomorrow is my 6th wedding anniversary. I go to work 10am-4pm and then he goes to work 4pm-midnite...so we don't even get to see each other except for a couple hours in the morning. that sux.

oh the sleepiness

2008-07-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

Between work and packing, and just normal every day stuff I'm so exhausted lately. We move next Thursday and already can't wait for it all to be over.

Keeping grounded

2008-07-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

There are a few things I know will keep me grounded, this is one of them:

http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/

If you have a minute check out this blog. It is written by a man named Nate about his experience being a husband to a wonderful woman named Tricia who has CF and their baby daughter who was born 15+ weeks early...who are both doing wonderful right now I might add. He writes wonderfully and their journey is an amazing one.

When I'm having a bad day all I have to do is think of them and other families that have had the worry of having a child born too early. I can't imagine how stressful and scary that must be to have a child in the NICU, not knowing what's going to happen.

I also think about how long it took for us to have a successful pregnancy. Trying for a year and 2 miscarriages...so painful. I was just under 7 weeks pregnant for both, the second one really knocked me off my feet. The first time was awful, but I was told and read so much that said having a miscarriage with your first pregnancy was very common so I think the second time I was really hopeful. I thought that just maybe everything would ok this time so when I lost the baby it just killed me. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to leave the house. The pain cut in so deep that I didn't know how to leave it behind. Then I was caught in the middle of wanting to try again but being so terrified of losing another baby. So when I did get pregnant the third (and successful) time I was very guarded at first, I didn't let myself get too excited right away. We got an ultra sound at 7 weeks and everything was fine, at that point I let myself start feel good about it.

So the days that the kids are driving me absolutely crazy I let myself think of that pain, just briefly. I think of those days of feeling like I might never have a child and how blessed I would feel when I did. And I do feel blessed, and I try to remember that every day.

Cherished moments.

2008-07-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

There are days that my children drive me crazy. Anyone with kids knows this feelings...you're tired, exhausted even, and you just want 5 minutes of peace! My twins Ryder and Jorja didn't have a good nap today so by 5pm they were tired and very cranky. By 6:15pm I was done listening to the whining so I said the magic word: bath. Yes this is a very powerful word in this household right now, they just L.O.V.E. their bath. I enjoyed my 40 or so minutes of happy twins by packing up the bathroom stuff (we're moving soon!) and just sitting. During this time Cooper played on the computer and also stayed out of my hair, truly a miracle.

And then it happened, it was time to pull the plug. Ryder: no problem. As soon as his hair gets wet he's ready to get out. Jorja: end of the world. During the past 2 weeks or so she has NOT wanted to get out of the tub! Even once all the water is gone and it's just her and a couple bubbles left she's happy just sitting there. So being that she was not in a good mood to begin with pulling her out of the tub was not fun. She cried when I pulled her out, she cried when I dried her off, she cried and squirmed when I put her diaper on...finally I got her to settle down by bribing her with a phone call to daddy at work. That worked! She said goodnite to dad, got on her jammies and then it was time to get into bed, and that's when any ounce of happiness, or even calmness, disappeared. She had a royal fit! Luckily Ryder layed down nicely, he was too exhausted to care what else was going on. I tried to snuggle with Jorja but she fought me to get up so I left the room and let her have her moment. About 30 seconds later it was quiet, you'd think that would be good but I knew it was too quick, and yep I heard the throwing start. She was taking the toys out of the toy box and throwing them on the floor so I went in and I sat down and made her sit with me until she calmed down. Oh holding her down to settle her is not fun but I knew it was the only way to calm her without her completely destroying her room. In about 5 minutes she took her soother and layed down. I cuddled up with her for a few seconds, she put her hand up my sleep (it's her 'thing') and snuggled in. I kissed her forehead and breathed in her lavender hair, I just wanted to crawl in and go to sleep with her. It's amazing how those small moments when everything is right can make you forget about the long moments of craziness that make you wanna pull out your hair!

She is now sleeping peacefully, looking angelic with the soft glow of her nite lite shining on her skin. The frustrating times of the day have fallen away and I'm left with the cherished moments. There are 2 other big things that make me forget those annoying times but I'll leave that for another post.

We bought a house!!

2008-07-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

Oh there were times I thought we would never get to this point! We are awful with money, we spend too much and save none so when this opportunity came about we figured we'd better jump on it. Without going in to much detail we were able to "get" enough for a down payment and we got approved. The downside, it's a 2 bedroom single trailer...quite small for a family of 5. But we just couldn't let the opportunity pass us by so we figure we can make it work for a couple years and then see where we're at financially at that point and look in to something more suited to us. But for now we finally have a place of our OWN!! .home.

We're off to the lawyer tomorrow to sign all the papers and see if we can move our closing date up any.

Ok, so there is a bright side!

2008-04-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

I found out yesterday that my aunt's cancer is NOT back!! What they seen on the first test must have just been a shadow becuz after the intensive test they saw nothing at all.

I am so gratefull!!

There's a bright side?

2008-04-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

I must admit I've never been a person that finds the good part of a situation. Bad, bad, bad. I always find the bad. My mom, who I love dearly, has taught me how to worry. If we were late we must be dead in a ditch, and that thinking passed on to me. It used to drive me crazy when she did it, and now it drives my husband crazy when I do it.

I think I've gotten better, I don't freak out quite as easily as I used to-at least not over the really simple things. But cancer isn't simple. Cancer isn't something I can just put aside.

My aunts cancer is back. She's been fighting it for a while, and fighting it hard. She was doing ok but at her last appointment they found it has returned and she went for tests last week to see how bad it is.

Then yesterday I found out one of my good friends may have cancer. I'm absolutely freaking out. People keep telling me not worry and keep positive thoughts up, and I really am trying. I'm trying becuz the thought of her actually having cancer is too scary to think of, when my mind goes there I just want to shut down.

If anyone is out there, please think some good thoughts.

A change...

2008-03-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

I've been going thru some stuff at home lately and decided I needed a change. A big one of some kind. Since it needed to be cheap (so not finishing my tattoo or getting another, lol) I figured hair dye was a good way to go.

I wanted something drastic, something you couldn't NOT notice, something I'd done before before.

Dark purple-really thought about that one, haven't done it since high school and that was fun.

Red-I really like red but I've been red many times.

Black. Yes, black is the color!

Names

2008-03-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

First of all: blogs, blogs and more blogs! I wish I had more time in the day to just sit and read blogs! I love getting a peak into others lives. Their beliefs, their daily activities, just them. It's interesting to me, but I just don't have the time to read everything I want. I keep bookmarking them but I don't always get to them.

Well a new I have stumbled upon is http://murraycrew.blogspot.com/ : 4tunate. The are a family with quadruplet boys! This is exciting to me becuz having twins myself I know its tricky, but have 4, wow! You guys rock!! The topic over there has been names-choosing names, rules for choosing names, etc. So I thought it might be fun to play along and share.

With both pregnancies we didn't find out what we were having, we went for the surprise. That meant we had to come up with a boy and a girl name. Well, girl names-no problem! We had so many we had a hard time choosing just one. Boy names, well that was another story. We could not agree on a boys name-nothing. We both had a feeling it would be a boy so when I went into labour 3 weeks early we figured we better pick something. We of course had been throwing names around for months but nothing that we both really liked.

So during the day, waiting to go back to the hospital, Garry brings up the name Cooper. I like this name, and funny enough I had actually brought it up TO HIM a couple months before and he wasn't crazy about it. Go figure. So we decided on Cooper and as soon as we seen him we knew it was the right name. Garry likes to take credit for it, but I know I thought of it first!!

His middle name was easy, it's Kenneth after my daddy. I also wanted a second middle name to be Grant after Garry's dad but I let everyone talk me out of it and I wish I hadn't.

So he is Cooper Kenneth, but in my heart he is Cooper Kenneth Grant.

I'll save the twins for tomorrow, it will give me something to write about.

For Tricia

2008-03-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

So I believe I've mentioned Nate's blog here http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/ . A beautiful blog about a husband trying to get the word out about CF, organ transplants and premature birth. He writes wonderfully and I love keeping up with their great story.

Well a mommy blogger ( http://learysinlove.blogspot.com/2008/03/for-tricia.html ) had a great idea of writing out some of the things that Tricia has to look forward to when she is well and can care for her baby girl.

So I just had to start this post with Ryder's "ketchup" video. I will also never take for granted:

having to go to my son every hour to put him back to sleep
sleeping with my oldest instead of my husband cuz he won't sleep on his own
snuggling up with my daughter on the couch when she's sick and/or tired
watching my son want his twin sisters pink chair instead of his own spider man one-and her being ok with that cuz she'd rather have spider man
stepping on crumbs in bare feet
the kids pulling all the movies off the shelf
watching the twins fight over toys
wiping their tears when they're hurt
having to give Ryder a time out for hitting his sister

Much love to you Tricia, Nate and Gwen.

Vote for Jorja's pic!!

2008-03-02T10:13:00.001-08:00

http://www.picture.com/voteforme/photovote1.asp?PID=2111884

Can You Help??

2008-02-29T11:53:00.000-08:00

There is a mother in need a little help in the blogging world. Now becuz I'm blog illiterate I have no idea how to post things nicely so I'm just gonna give you the link to check out.

*haha, I just figured it out, click on the 'virtual baby shower' sign on the right.

http://toddlerplanet.wordpress.com/ Check out this blog as well, a wonderful woman dealing with IBC (a type of breast cancer). She's sharing her story and getting the word out about this horrible disease.

A Loooooong 5 Days

2008-02-25T21:44:00.000-08:00

I took the kids to visit my parents last Wednesday. It's a three and a half hour drive and I must say they did very well. We had a good time but Cooper and I both had a cough and were very stuffed up by the time we got their Wednesday afternoon. We were busy, did a lot of running around and tried to get in visiting when we could.
Cooper doesn't sleep well so my daddy was nice enough to sleep on the couch and let him and I sleep in bed with my mom, and then Ryder wasn't sleeping well either so he ended up in bed with us too. It was a crowded couple nites and the only ones who got a good sleep were the kids-of course.
We planned to stay until Monday but by Sunday afternoon the kids were all crabby so I decided it was time to come home.
I had a couple different blog topics running thru my head this weekend but right now they have disappeared. The only thing stuck in my head is an awful sight from the drive home Sunday nite.

We left my parents house at 6pm, kind of a crappy time being an hour before bedtime but the kids were so crabby that I just couldn't drag out that last hour so we left. We would have left earlier but we all had to eat and pack the car up so that didn't happen either. The roads weren't busy which was really nice, I just put on my cruise control, sipped my coffee (thanx to my birthday money from my wonderful Nana) and listened to my music.
The main high way goes thru a city so you have to slow right down to 50 (km/h) which woke up Ryder and he wasn't liking the street light so he cried for a little while and was whiny and crying off and on for the next 45 minutes to an hour. He had finally stopped making noise when I seen flashing police lights ahead. I just figured they had pulled someone over for speeding-every time I've passed that area lately there's been cops there. As I got closer I noticed there was a cop on the road with a red wand light that they use to direct traffic and I was hoping I wasn't going to have to stop and have Ryder wake up again. I did have to slow right down, the whole time hoping Ryder would stay quiet, then I realized I was being directed into the opposite lane of traffic and could see the reason-accident. First let me say that I'm a very emotional person, I'm sure I've mentioned this before. So when I looked over to see why I was being sent into the oncoming lane I see a car, a truck had run into it. Draped over the car, was a blanket. Just typing about it has me choked up, all I could think of was what the blanket represented. Someone wasn't going home to their family. Someone out there won't see their mother or father, or brother or sister, or son or daughter.
What if I had left earlier like I wanted to, would that have been us? I push those thoughts out of my head. I was a wreck for the rest of the drive home. Usually I have to have the cruise control so I don't speed, after that I could barely go over 80. I shed a few tears, calmed down and got us home.
I just hope that image leaves my head soon, I'm glad it was only a blanket I seen but I still can't get over that sight yet.

Movie Time

2008-02-13T22:14:00.000-08:00

I tried to write a movie review the other day but my computer was not co operating so I'm trying again.

I seen the funniest movie!

Hot Fuzz

If you like cheesy, silly humour-you'll love this. Starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (check out imdb.com for more info), they also starred in Shaun of the Dead which was really funny too.

It's about a London police officer (Simon Pegg) who gets transfered to a small villiage with no crime rate. Strange "accidents" are happening and Sgt. Nicholas Angel is determined to prove that these are not just accidents.

Definately check it out if you like goofy comedy's.

Fertility...

2008-02-11T20:40:00.000-08:00

What a loaded word. I caught the end of Oprah the other day and the discussion had something to do with a website that has been set up for people that were born from artificial insemination to find sibling. I personally think that is a wonderful idea.
One of the things brought up was how men get paid to "make a donation" to a sperm bank, and how many of those men lie about themselves to make sure they get money out of the deal. Just makes me hope that people are honest. Don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that these places exist.
I was very lucky, I had my problems getting and staying pregnant but nothing compared to some people I know. We didn't have to go thru fertility treatment or have to use a sperm bank and for that I am grateful, but I am also thankful that those places exsist for those that aren't as lucky.

To All The Troops

2008-02-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

My heart breaks for anyone who has a loved oned serving in the military-especially if they are somewhere dangerous at this time. So many have been lost or injured, lives changed forever. I am beyond thanful that no one close to me does this job, it is something I could not handle well at all. The respect I have for those living with these dangers every minute is unmeasurable.
I am sending out big love to all.

Writer's Block

2008-02-07T20:49:00.000-08:00

So it seems every time I sit down to write here I have no idea what to say. During the day I have so many thing, I'm always thinking "hey I could write about that", then the time comes and...nothing. I'm not a great writer so maybe that puts me off a litte, I don't know.

I'm a mom, I don't do much during the day that I feel most people want to read about. Why would someone want to read about the horrible or even great day I had with my kids. I guess this is supposed to be more about me anyway, writing about what I want not what people might want to read about. A place to let things out for myself. Well tonite I guess that would be my patience/temper. I'm really trying to stop and calm myself before dealing with the kids, I have a bad habit of just snapping and yelling. I don't like doing that, and of course it doesn't work-doesn't help matters any. Just taking it one day at a time, try to keep my cool and stay calm.

Saw 4

2008-02-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

My great idea for "Friday's Film" hasn't been going all that well, I've missed 2 now I think. So I'm just gonna go ahead and do it today! lol

Saw 4

Considering it's the fourth in a series I wasn't sure what to expect. With most horror movies, the more sequals there it, the worse it gets. Luckily I find the Saw movies don't tend to be that way. Sure Saw 2 and 3 weren't that amazing, obviously not as good as the first but that was expected. Well I must say I was pleasantly surprised with the fourth. It really got into more background story, and the twists and turns that are a given with the Saw movies. I was glad to see Donnie Walberg as I must admit my crush on him from WAY back in the day of New Kids On The Block has never really gone away.
If you like the Saw movies, you'll like this.

Natalee Holloway

2008-02-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

Things like this case just make me hug my kids tighter and never want to let them go. We all have to let our children grow up and learn how to make their own choices, then you hear these things and consider that maybe you should keep them locked in their room forever.
My heart goes out to Natalee's family and friends, and hope they can have some kind of peace now that they may have the truth.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/02/04/natalee.holloway.suspect/?iref=mpstoryview

sick, sick, sick

2008-02-03T22:28:00.000-08:00

We're all sick. The kids all have colds-runny noses, coughs. Cooper is on medication for strep throat so I'm taking myself and the twins in to the dr see if we have it too. Cooper also has a rash now all over his body so I'll be taking him too to have it checked out. It's been a long couple days, a nice sleep would help if the kids would actually sleep!
Oh how I wish these sleep issues would pass soon.

Welcome Home

2008-02-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

Just after I wrote my last post, I was relaxing and playing on the computer. G had gone to hockey the nite I got home, I figured since he let me take off for 2 days I could be ok with him going to a nite of hockey. At 10:22pm the phone rang and thought it would be him asking to go out for a beer with the guys-nope, it was my mom cuz I forgot to call her when I got home.
Then at 10:45pm the phone rings again, this time I'm thinking for sure it's G calling to tell me he's going for a beer-wrong again, this time it's worse. It's his co worker telling me he's being taken to the hospital with a broken nose and possibly a broken rib and concussion! Well needless to say I flip out a little. I'm stuck at home cuz I've got no one to be here with the kids, so all I can think is worst case senario. The girl that's taking him to the hospital calls cuz they are stopping at the house to get his care card which he of course left at home-how smart. He had towel up to his face to catch blood pouring from his nose so I didn't really get to see him.
About an hour later his friend brought him home. Amazingly he had nothing broken at all and no concussion. He was quite soar-obviously, but is doing much better.
I hate those kind of "exciting" nites!

An Interesting Week

2008-01-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday was not a good day for me. I ran out of my anti-depressant and Wednesday was the first day I'd had it in 4 or 5 days. I couldn't handle the kids whining and crying, I put them to bed as soon 7pm came along. My head felt fuzzy, I was dizzy. My chest was heavy and I couldn't seem to get a full breath in. I felt shaky and unsteady. I was scared I was going to have a panic attack. I've never had one before but I've heard people talk about them and I was scared. I called G and told him I wasn't well, just talking to him helped. He was very understanding, told me it was ok if I went to Nanaimo and took some time for myself-so that's what I did.
I had my labret pierced (below the bottom lip). I've wanted it done for a while now and decided that would be my birthday present, and I'm so happy I did it. Then I got my hair cut which I love. Got together with my best friend and went shopping and had a little adventure-it's what we do-always something simple but fun!
It really helped me to unwind, focus on myself and get myself back.

Friday's Film

2008-01-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know I missed last week, we had family visiting. This week:

Black Snake Moan

Overall, not too bad. Samuel L Jackson and Christina Ricci, both good actors. It was interesting to watch the relationship between them to see what it would turn into. It wasn't a movie I had to pay close attention too, I watched it while playing around on the computer.
I'd say maybe 3 out of 5 stars.

How the week has flown by...

2008-01-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

Wow! The past week really went by quickly. I knew I hadn't written in a couple days but I didn't realize it had been a week. Some of G's family were here last Thursday to Saturday, it was really nice to have visitors. Cooper got to have fun with his cousin who is about a year and half older than him-they really had a blast together. And he got to see his Nana and his Aunty P and Aunty K. They all had had so much fun just being together. Aunty P lives a little further away so we don't get to see her as much as we'd like so it was really great having that time together. Saying good-bye was hard. Coop is very emotional and he does not like good-bye's. He won't do them. When he knows it's a final bye for a while he doesn't want to give hugs or kisses, doesn't even like to wave-just wants to cuddle up with mom or dad. Poor kid, I know how he feels, I don't like saying good bye either.

Now onto sleeping, or not sleeping as the case may be. It seems every time I pull up this blog someone starts crying. Right now, it's Ryder. I'm trying to ignore him becuz the more I go up to put him back to sleep, the more he seems to wake up. The hard part is waiting and hoping that he doesn't wake up his sister who is "lucky" enough to share a room with him (thankfully she's a deep sleeper!!). Or worse, hoping he doesn't wake up Cooper who doesn't sleep well anyway without Ryder crying and hollering for mama. And oh how heart breaking it feels some nites to listen to his voice stain to keep calling for me, screaming for me.
Oh sweet boy just go back to sleep.

Hmmmmm

2008-01-09T22:54:00.000-08:00

I always seem to have a problem deciding what to write about. During the day something will come across my mind and I'll think "hey I could write about that later", it's not always something interesting, but it's something. My problem, when I turn on the computer and log in to blog every single idea I may have had during the day falls out of my head. I'm convinced if you looked you could see them oozing out of my ears! Maybe if I grab a mirror I can read a few before they hit the floor and disappear.

I am proud of myself for getting off my butt and doing my exercises tonite, I didn't want to-REALLY didn't, but I'm not going to get anywhere by sitting around. Will power, it's definitely something I need more of.

Cooper is now crying so I suppose I'd better get him back to sleep.

Working Out

2008-01-08T21:48:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to lose weight, not just to be thinner but to be more healthy. Keeping up with three toddlers isn't the easiest thing to do so why not make it easier by actually being able to run around for longer than 30 seconds before I'm out of breath!!

I've done well, gotten on my glider 2 nites in a row which is a big deal for me. What makes it hard is the last thing I want to do after getting the kids to bed is excercise, plus they don't sleep well so some nites I'm running up and down the stairs every 30 minutes to calm somebody down. It's so frustrating to get into a rhythm and have to stop, go upstairs, put a child back to sleep, come back down and feel like I'm starting all over again.

Maybe writing will help me feel like I've got to excercise, like somehow now that I've shared it I've just got to do it. We'll see.

Bad Nose Day

2008-01-07T21:21:00.001-08:00

Well it's been a bad nose day here for both boys. Cooper took a nose dive down the stairs, had a little bit of a bloody nose.
Then later in the afternoon it was Ryder's turn. He took a spill off the couch and got a bloody nose as well.

What am I going to do with these boys?!

(I promise I took these pics after I cuddled him and he was feeling better)

Small town food

2008-01-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

I'm totally craving fast food! Being a very small town the only take out we have is sub way and 2 resteraunts to order from. I could really go for McDonalds right now!

Please excuse my pathetic post, I'm tired and can't really think.

Friday's Film-Transformers

2008-01-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

I was trying think of something I could do as a weekly theme, once or twice a week. My husband Garry has Thursday and Fridays off so a lot times we rent movies on Thursday nites, so I figured I'd write about them on Friday. I will say right now that I can guarantee that 99% of the time these movies will not be new-some may be down right old!! But I love movies so I thought that writing about them would be fun. Now on to this weeks movie...

Transformers

This is a movie that I wasn't overly excited to see but I do like Shia LaBeouf (read more about him here: http://imdb.com/name/nm0479471/ ). I was pleasantly surprised by this movie I must say. For a movie about robot transformers from outter space it was quite interesting, , full of action, very funny and the effects were great. My favorite part was the comedy-very well done. I would recomment this movie if you like action and advention, or just want something to watch that you don't have to have to concentrate too much on.

Loss, Despair...then finally HOPE

2008-01-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

IWhile cleaning up my room the other day I found my pregnancy journal from Cooper. It was fun to flip thru but I wish I had written in it more, but I was far too terrified. Before getting pregnant with Cooper I had to miscarriages and by the time I was pregnant for a third time I was terrified. After the first one I read that having a miscarriage with your first pregnancy is quite common so the second time I think I just figured everything would be fine. When I was hit with the loss of that baby I was crushed. It was 2 days after our first wedding anniversary, and I took it hard. Obviously. Any loss seems to kill a little part of you, a part you'll never get back. There's 2 holes in my heart that will never heal from those losses.

The third time we were very cautious. I wanted to write down everything to remind me of everything I was feeling, but I didn't want to get too attached-not that that is really possible. G didn't want to tell anyone, we had an ultrasound scheduled for when I would be 7 weeks along and he wanted to wait to make sure things were ok-that was almost 3 weeks away. It was the longest 3 weeks of my life, but well worth the wait. At 7 weeks pregnant, I got to see a tiny little blob on a grainy black and white screen, a tiny little dot of a heart beating away.

In labour with Cooper:
Our first meeting:My sweet boy, about a week old:
Big boy now, his 3rd birthday:

Summer Flashback

2008-01-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

We live in a small town on Vancouver Island, and we are both originally from a town about 4 hours south. My husband Garry got his dream job here driving zamboni at the local arena so we packed up and left our family and friends to start in a new town. Garry get the month of August off so last year we packed up and went back to our home town for the month.
This day we had gone to the fair that was in town, the kids were tired after a long day and the last thing they wanted to do was get in the car but unfortunately that's just what has to happen. Jorja didn't complain much, just fought her eyes trying to stay awake. Ryder on the other hand (as you will see) was NOT happy to be getting strapped into his seat after being strapped in his stroller all afternoon.
Luckily it all ened with this about 10 minutes later. There's nothing sweeter than two sleeping babies, so peaceful.

A New Year Begins Again

2008-01-01T16:42:00.001-08:00

Wow, 2008. This year has just flown by so quickly. The twins started walking, they had their first birthday, they've started talking so much, played in the ocean for the first time...a busy year for 2 little munchkins.

Cooper has been amazing, he also seems to learn something new every day. This was a big year for him as he started pre school! He's done really well, a lot better than I was expecting, he's settling in nicely. I think I can now consider him potty trained which huge! We are very excited about that. Like everything else, he did it only when he was ready and knew could do it. He loves going to the library and reading before bed. He still isn't sleeping well but maybe that will be the big thing for 2008, we'll see.We are doing well in Port McNeill. It's a nice little town, hard thru the winter having no where to take the kids. We got a new car this year, that's the big thing for us. A 2001 Honda Accord and it just fits us perfectly. We could use a little more trunk space but it is quite spacious. As usual I'm hoping to start writing more, I'm not good at it but I do like it. At the end of the day I'm so tired I usually just watch a bit of tv and go to bed, but we'll see what the new year brings.

First Day of Pre School!

2007-09-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

I was so proud of my big boy today. Today, Thursday September 6 2007, Cooper went to his first day of pre school! He's been excited since meeting his teacher about a week ago but I wasn't sure how he would actually do when it was time for us to leave. He timidly walked into the classroom, clinging to Daddy's hand. His teacher Christina came over and took him to his cubby to put away his hat. Cooper came back in and took Daddy's hand again and Daddy took him over to some toys. After a couple minutes Cooper was busy playing and exploring the room and all it had to offer. The twins even got to have a little play while Cooper was getting used to his new surroundings. After about 20 minutes we could see that Cooper was going to do just fine and decided to leave him on his own and take the twins for a walk. I was so proud to be able to walk out of the room and have him be ok, no crying or whining or wanting to go home. I think he was too busy playing to realize that we had actually left! While it's a little sad to see my baby growing up, getting bigger and more independent every day, I'm so excited that he did so well.
He's looking forward to going again and I must say I'm quite happy that I will have a little bit a break. I also found out that there is a toddler play group at the same building and same time as he's at school on Tuesdays, so I think I'll take the twins to that and give them play time with other kids as well.
My babies are growing up!!

Click to play | Make your own Smilebox

Cancer Sucks

2007-07-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

I got this info off of Lawyer Mama (http://lawyermama.blogspot.com/) and knew I had to pass it on as well. I have never read her blog but I love that she wants this post out there on as many blogs as possible. She has cancer, breast cancer, and that just isn't fair. She has 2 young boys, a husband, and I'm sure many other family memeber who love her and need her. Please send your thoughts, prayers, healing vibes-whatever it is you believe in-out to this woman and her family and wish her well.
I had an aunt die of breast cancer when I was very young and it tore our family apart in many different ways. Her husband got remarried and we never really seen her kids again. To this day I think about her youngest son, my cousin, who a year older than me. We were close, well as close as 7 year olds can be. I still think of him, I still wonder where he is and how he's doing, and I hate that cancer took all that away from me and all our family.
Please pass this along in any way you can, if someone else can get an early diagnosis from reading her post then that is a wonderful thing.

http://toddlerplanet.wordpress.com/
We hear a lot about breast cancer these days. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetimes, and there are millions living with it in the U.S. today alone. But did you know that there is more than one type of breast cancer?I didn’t. I thought that breast cancer was all the same. I figured that if I did my monthly breast self-exams, and found no lump, I’d be fine.Oops. It turns out that you don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer. Six weeks ago, I went to my OB/GYN because my breast felt funny. It was red, hot, inflamed, and the skin looked…funny. But there was no lump, so I wasn’t worried. I should have been. After a round of antibiotics didn’t clear up the inflammation, my doctor sent me to a breast specialist and did a skin punch biopsy. That test showed that I have inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive cancer that can be deadly.
Inflammatory breast cancer is often misdiagnosed as mastitis because many doctors have never seen it before and consider it rare. “Rare” or not, there are over 100,000 women in the U.S. with this cancer right now; only half will survive five years. Please call your OB/GYN if you experience several of the following symptoms in your breast, or any unusual changes: redness, rapid increase in size of one breast, persistent itching of breast or nipple, thickening of breast tissue, stabbing pain, soreness, swelling under the arm, dimpling or ridging (for example, when you take your bra off, the bra marks stay – for a while), flattening or retracting of the nipple, or a texture that looks or feels like an orange (called peau d’orange). Ask if your GYN is familiar with inflammatory breast cancer, and tell her that you’re concerned and want to come in to rule it out.There is more than one kind of breast cancer. Inflammatory breast cancer is the most aggressive form of breast cancer out there, and early detection is critical. It’s not usually detected by mammogram. It does not usually present with a lump. It may be overlooked with all of the changes that our breasts undergo during the years when we’re pregnant and/or nursing our little ones. It’s important not to miss this one.Inflammatory breast cancer is detected by women and their doctors who notice a change in one of their breasts. If you notice a change, call your doctor today. Tell her about it. Tell her that you have a friend with this disease, and it’s trying to kill her. Now you know what I wish I had known before six weeks ago.You don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer
P.S. Feel free to steal this post too. I’d be happy for anyone in the blogosphere to take it and put it on their site, no questions asked. Dress it up, dress it down, let it run around the place barefoot. I don’t care. But I want the word to get out. I don’t want another young mom — or old man — or anyone in between — to have to stare at this thing on their chest and wonder, is it mastitis? Is it a rash? Am I overreacting? This cancer moves FAST, and early detection and treatment is critical for survival.

Wow!

2007-07-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's been less than a week and I'm posting again already! G and I took the kids to the beach today and we had a pretty good time. It wasn't for swimming, not where we were. It's a keep-your-shoes-on kind of beach and it was a little cool so it was an exploring day. The twins have never been to a beach before I don't think, not since they've gotten bigger anyway. Jorja had fun picking up shells and rocks, Ryder had a blast running around where he was supposed to and going ankle deep in the water. Unfortunately I don't have pics up on the computer yet, hopefully tomorrow.

Well have I been slacking...

2007-07-10T23:44:00.000-07:00

or WHAT! May was my last post, how horrible! Thank you to Donna for making me get back into the swing of things. I have been tagged to list 7 things about myself-I am horrible at this! I never know what to say about me, but here it goes:

1) I'm desperate to get better at photography.

2) Chocolate is my weakness!

3) I'm lazy-my house is such a mess right now but I've just been to tired and lazy to deal with it.

4) I'm really trying to be a more positive thinker.

5) My friends are just as important to me as my family-and just as loved. Don't know what I'd do without them.

6) I love cheesy teen movies-despite the fact that I'm 29.

7) I'm not afraid to turn 30.

Help a litte boy

2007-05-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

Looking around on facebook I found a site for this sweet little boy. He has cancer and his wish is to receive 350 million cards before his birthday at the end of May. I don't know why, something about his story has made me sit at my computer for the past hour or so putting out his website everywhere I can think of. Messege boards, email, talk shows...hopefully the word will spread and his wish will come true.
Here is the site http://www.shaneswish.com/index.php I know I don't have a lot of people checking out my blog, so maybe if you are reading this you can put it in your blog too, and/or email it out to all you know. All it takes is a stamp and a peice of paper made into a simple card to help his dream come true.
Please think about it.

"Why We Are Drawn To Tragedy"

2007-04-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to read this whole article yet but I'm very intrigued by it. I'm one of those people that feel like they just have to watch the bad things that are going on. I watch in horror, and I cry, and I just take it all in. I feel my whole body tense up and I'm just filled with unbelievable sadness for these people and all they're going thru.

Of course right now it's the VTech Shooting. I've actually been trying not to watch much of it. I've read a bit on the internet and Garry had something about it on last nite for a few minutes-I was crying within seconds. This time it's different for me, I'm not just sad and shocked that someone can do something so horrible, but I'm filled with anxiety. I feel shaky all over and my insides feel fluttery and empty but twisted and heavy at the same time.

Maybe having kids has changed how I react. I can't even fathom having my kids in school and seeing on the internt/tv that there's been a shooting.

Ok, my mind is starting to fall apart, I have to go do something else and try not to think about this for a while. I've attached the article I was talking about, and a pic of the kids just becuz.

http://lifestyle.sympatico.msn.ca/Why+You+Cant+Turn+Away/BodyandMind/ContentPosting.aspx?isfa=1&newsitemid=35382&feedname=RODALE-MENHEALTH&show=False&number=0&showbyline=True&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc

Over-reacting?

2007-04-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

My friend Stephanie had an interesting thing on her blog today-http://stephanies.blog.com/ Please see her blog to see her points as they are written much neater than mine will b:e cuz I plan on just going on a rant. This is an email she got and this is what has me annoyed

"I am convinced that my children are out to destroy every piece of electronic equipment that I own. It all started 1 ½ years ago when my 3 year old dropped an 8 pound medicine ball on the laptop, shattering the screen. She shoved numerous DVDs into the 5 disc CD/DVD player, causing it lose all function except for the radio, which got poor reception. Monsters, Inc. was missing for months. One day it magically popped out of that DVD player! She pulled the 36 inch TV out of the entertainment center and was fortunate to avoid being squashed as it crashed to the floor. She spilled a Slurpee on my cell phone and destroyed the LCD display. My 2 year old yanked the tray out of our next DVD player. He colored a keyboard with a green Sharpie marker. He pulled the button and the tip off of the Stylus Pen and dropped it in a bottle of water. And we suspect that our 18 year old slammed the laptop (with a new $800 screen) shut and shattered it but he insists that it wasn’t him and no one will confess. It has been an expensive year and a half!"

Now all you mothers out there know that some of this stuff just happens. The pens-it seems like pens are magnetic to kids, you think you've picked them all up and 5 minutes later your child has another one! So I can see that. Many of these I can understand but I think most of us don't have ALL of them happen to us-am I wrong? Am I overly cautious? I mean, I know I am, but really?
I've had my toddler draw on books that he shouldn't have, and there was just an xbox game that got broken becuz he took down off the shelf to look at the book and I think the baby ended up chewing on it. So I've been there, I know that things sometimes happen. But a medicine ball on a laptop? Seriously?!? Am I the only one that thinks this is ridiculous?!?!
It wasn't said what the nature of the email was. Part of me wonders if it was an electronic company trying to show why you should buy the protection programs when you buy your electronics-trying to scare you until getting it. At least you kinda hope that's what it is!

My Babies Are ONE!

2007-04-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that it's been a whole year since my sweet little twins were born. Last year around this time I couldn't believe that I was almost 37 weeks pregnant with no real labor signs in sight! This of course was a good thing that my little monkeys stayed in there for that long as I was really worried that they would come too early, but I never dreamed that I would end up having to be induced at exactly 37 weeks on the dot-exact same amount of weeks that I was pregnant with Cooper.
My labor went quickly, so quick in fact that husband and his mother almost missed it! They got there within minutes of me having to start pushing. Ryder was born 1:54pm. He was doing great with just a slight difficulty breathing so they took him to the nursery to monitor him. I was pretty out of it after that. Looking back it's easy to tell something was wrong while trying to push out Jorja-I didn't know it at the time but I was bleeding pretty heavily and her heart rate kept dropping. At one point it was down to 38 beats per minute which is very low-luckily they don't tell you any of this at this time. The dr delivered her with the forcepts and she was fine. She had a little trouble breathing as well so she was also taken to the nursery but they were both back with me within a couple hours. They were both healthy with no problems, and weighed 5lbs 14oz.
Here are my little bundles, now 1 year old and over 20lbs. How time flies.

My Photo Blog

2007-04-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

check out my other blog that i've been mainly trying to put my photography on. but i did post about my fun nite with coop last nite.
http://mandisphotos.blogspot.com/

Questions from Stephanie

2007-04-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

A wonderful online friend name Stephanie has a blog with some really fun things on it. I try to keep up on all my friends blogs but I must say I get quite behind! On Stephanie's blog (http://stephanies.blog.com/) the other day she had a post where someone asked her 5 personal questions tailored to her and asked if anyone wanted to continue the chain and have questions asked to them. Well I figured since I always get so behind on my own blog this would something to get me writing. So here are the questions she thought of for me. Thanx for taking the time Stephanie, I know you're busy right now.

1. What's the hardest part of living away from your family?
Most of you know that I'm living about 4-5 hours away from my parents and family right now as my husband got a really good job in another town that we just couldn't turn down. The hardest part is that my mom (and dad) are missing so much of the kids growing up. The twins were only 5 months when we moved and now they're almost a year. So much happens in that time and it's sad that they've missed that. Luckily we have a webcam so mom get to "see" the kids and they can see her too.

2. If you lived in a big city, what would be the first thing that you'd do?
SHOPPING & EATING!!!! Tied for first I think. I miss McDonalds, KFC, Wendy's, Kelsey's Resteraunt, I could go on but I won't. and I'd go to Walmart. I'm a cheap shopper and I miss my Walmart-good deals AND McDonalds at the same place!?! It doesn't get any better than that! Oh and see a movie cuz I really miss not having a theatre (not that I get out to the movies much, but I miss having the options)

3. What is the best thing about having twins?
Gosh this one is really hard. I think for me, being that I won't be having any more kids I get to see all the "firsts" twice. Ryder is walking and it's so great, but Jorja's not which is kinda nice cuz I'll get to relive first steps again with her.

4. If you could move anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
Back to my family. Or if I could take them with me I'd love to live somewhere warm. Maybe near Disneyland!! How fun would that be!

5. What is your favorite part of being a mom to 3 babies so young?
Hoping they'll be close. I love watching them play together, it's so great. I've always to have kids close in age so that they really grow up together-I love it.

Just Another Day

2007-03-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

The twins are sitting in their new seats eating banana and watching Backyardigans (http://www.nickjr.com/shows/backyardigans/index.jhtml). Cooper is playing skateboarding on XBOX. Garry has left for work. I'm trying to do laundry and have some computer time while the kids are occupied. Altho I keep turning around to look at them cuz they look so cute eating all by themselves-especially with bananas cuz they're slimy and kind of hard to pick up sometimes.

Here's a pic of my babies who are just growing up so fast.

Movies

2007-03-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

I love movies. I'm watching previews for movies that are coming on our movie channel next month and just seeing the previews for certain movies make my heart beat faster. It's amazing that movies can stir such emotion in a person-happiness, sadness, fear, etc. Movies that I've seen before, almost crying just watching the advertisement becuz I can already feel the emotions of the movie-reliving it as I watch the 2 minute preview, knowing what happens, how it ends, and the tears that will come in those last few minutes.

The movies: The Lake House and Click

The Lake House: I'm so in love with this movie. I love that the concept is different from every other romantic drama/comedy. Knowing I should have seen the end coming but I got so wrapped up in the movie itself that I forgot about the first part (same thing happened when I watched Moulin Rouge too). Then holding my breath, hoping this movie ended "the right way", at least in my mine, becuz if it didn't I would be so disappointed to have to add it to my "I break down and sob every time I watch it but I always watch it again" collection (City of Angels is in this catagory).

Click: Amazing. Obviously funny with Adam Sandler but it was the unexpected heart felt ending that made me really like this movie. Can't wait to see it again.

tired, tired, tired

2007-03-12T15:30:00.000-07:00

Well I got out Friday evening for a much needed "me" nite. It was nice to be out and chatting with adults again, but part of me just wanted to be resting at home. I'm still tired from being out late I think! And now I think I'm coming down with something, I'm stuffed up and not feeling well. Ryder had a really bad nite on Saturday, I just wish I could get him to sleep.

On a good note, I got a new laptop! The crappy thing is, it has Windows Vista and it pretty much sux! Ok, it's not all that bad, just lot of little fun things that I like that I can't do with Vista. But it's much faster and I can use Paint Shop much better now so it's definately worth it.

March is here...

2007-03-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

Wow, I can't believe we're into March already. The twins will be one next month, where has the time gone. Ryder is standing and trying to walk, Jorja is so vocal and sometimes even manages to copy some words.
Spring is just around the corner and hopefully the weather will get a little better-altho I'm expecting lots of rain being on the wonderful west coast. A few nice days would be nice tho to get the kids outside.

Long Couple Days

2007-02-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to go out Friday for my birthday but ended up staying home. Garry was out late Saturday leaving me with a crabby boy who wanted his daddy from 11:30pm until 1am. Sunday nite Ryder was sick. Yesterday Jorja was sick. Last Jorja had a fever most of the nite and did not sleep well, just wanted cuddles. I got a soar throat last nite, and then pulled something in back around 4am and I'm in major pain if I move the wrong way-makes holding the kids very tricky.
Ryder is currently having a good nap, should be up soon. Jorja seems to have settled a bit and is playing with her big brother. Garry's gone to hockey, then grocery shopping, then work-so should be a long day/nite for me again. Hopefully the kids will be ok and sleep better.

No Better Time To Blog

2007-02-15T20:50:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to waste time. 10 more minutes at least, probably more. See we're taping Grey's Anatomy so we wouldn't miss it while putting the kids to bed. Now, I have to wait until it's over becuz I don't want to start watching it half way thru. I also have to wait until Garry gets Cooper to sleep becuz I promised I wouldn't start it without him. I'm going a little crazy!! This is my favorite show-at least my favorite show that is still putting out new episodes. Altho being that this is a three part story I just know that tonites episode is going to leave me with more questions than answers and I'm going to have to wait, yet again, until NEXT week to find out what is going to happen!!
Just needed to get that all out.

Fighting

2007-02-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

I hate to fight with my husband, I'm sure all women do. What bothers me the most is that these fights are totally avoidable. Why can't a grown man just realize (after 7 years) that picking up the damn phone will save a huge fight!
Garry went to dinner with a friend last nite and said he wouldn't be late. Well he ended up coming home at 1am, and unfortunately it wasn't a great nite for the kids so that just added to my frustration of him not being home. My 2 year old is daddy's boy and when he woke up at midnite and daddy wasn't home he very upset and his crying woke up one of the babies. I finally got both of them back to sleep and it was close to 1am. I was trying to ignore my anger and go back to sleep when I heard him come and I just had to go downstairs and vent my feelings. We quietly had it out until Cooper heard daddy and came downstairs.
The worst part of it to me is when he says he's sorry. It sounds completely insincere and how can he mean it? He made the choice to stay out so how can he be sorry about? All he feels is sorry that I'm coming down on him for it.

When Least Expected

2007-02-06T16:10:00.000-08:00

I was watching Party of Five today (yes it's on reruns here!) and it turned out to be an episode that hit me right in the heart. Bailey's girlfriend Jill dies and he shuts down, just doesn't want to deal so he shuts down. Near the end Charlie comes to talk to him to see if he can get him to open up and tell him what he's feeling. Bailey tells Charlie, "I can't love anymore, it's too hard. So I'm not going to love anyone, and I don't want anyone to love me." (http://www.tv.com/party-of-five/the-ides-of-march/episode/35431/trivia.html)
He's done with caring for anyone becuz the people he's loved in his life have died-they've left him. This hit me tremendously becuz I've been in the exact same place, still living it in some ways. A friend of mine passed away in 1996, he meant so much to me and I never got to know him as well as I would have liked. I never got to tell him how I felt about him either, and that has always haunted me. After losing him I didn't know how to function. I went on with my life and thought I was living it the same, but what I didn't realize at the time was how much I was pushing away the people that meant the most to me. I didn't want to love anyone, I didn't want to have feelings for anyone becuz of the fear that they would "leave me". I turned 19 a couples months later and drinking became my friend. My friends stopped hanging around me, they would even invite my boyfriend out but tell him not to invite me. I was there one nite when they called and he let me know what was going on. I understood completely, I was a horrible person to be around when I was drinking. I was miserable and depressed and my nite would usually end with my crying-who wants to deal with that?!
It took a while but I've worked thru the fear-for the most part anyway. I found a wonderful man who I married and loves me despite all my faults. I have 3 gorgeous children and I HAVE to love them, it's impossible not to! Loving them is probably the hardest I've ever done. I can't stop myself from loving them becuz they're my children but that "fear of losing" them sometimes overwhelms me-it's the scariest thought to me.

Having A Photo Published

2007-02-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

It's not going to be in anything fancy or worldwide-not even country wide but I think it's pretty cool! I entered Jorja's picture into a photo contest and it was chosen to be published in their book this year. This is the site http://www.photolaureates.org/ They just publish entry's to their contest, I think there's a money prize as well altho I don't expect to win that as there are many other great pictures entered. I just entered on a whim as I had a cute pic of Jo I had just done. The book is pretty expensive to buy but I think we're going to get it becuz it's a neat keepsake for her (we think anyway).

This is the photo I entered.

My Brain is MUSH!

2007-01-28T22:38:00.000-08:00

Thru out the day I'm always thinking of things to write, but by the time I make it to my computer at nite, all of those thoughts have gone missing. Where did they go? I guess they just trickled out my ear while making bottles or chasing babies around. Or have they crawled deeper into my brain to come out at a later date?
Tonite I think it is too late to go in and look for those thoughts so I am going to bed. Maybe tomorrow something brilliant will come to me-don't hold your breath tho!

We Always Come 'Back Together'

2007-01-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

Like most husband and wives, Garry and I have our share of fights. Some are big, some are small, about everything and anything. Having three young children usually keeps us focused on things other than each other, especially with a 2 year old that won't sleep thru the nite and needs someone in bed with him-that someone ends up being Garry. That's just something we've gotten used to becuz neither one of us have the energy to try and change it right now.
At times I feel very disconnected from Garry. We do the laundry, feed the kids, do the dishes, change the kids, tidy up, play with the kids...where's that 'us' time that all couples need. I'm sure most couples out there with children feel this at some point-whether it be frequently or just every now and then. Living so far away from family now we don't even have someone to drop the kids off for a couple hours to just go have dinner or see a movie, so I think since moving here we've slightly drifted away from each other more than usual.
Garry works 3 nites a week, starting between 3-4pm and getting home between between 11pm-12midnite. It's nice to have him home during the day but it does make my evenings a little harder and very lonely. Well today was like every other day...we brought the kids downstairs, fed them, ate ourselves and did our own thing while the kids played. We had a small fight about how he always makes me 'the bad guy' which he forgot about almost right away.
A little while later he had some music on and I was dancing with the kids for a little while. I took a break and played on the computer for a few minutes, then Garry put a song on and came over to me, took my hand and pulled me up to dance. The song was "Have A Little Faith In Me" (don't know who sings it) and it just got to me. As we held each other and danced I started to cry-I just couldn't help it. It was very emotional and Garry started to cry as well (don't hate me for sharing that honey). I think it just got to us becuz we don't get those moments often and it just reaffirms that we DO love each other even tho we rarely show it now-a-days. We held each other, barely moving to the music, just loving the moment and taking it all in as much as we could. It really brought us back together again. As far apart as we get sometimes we always seem to find those moments somehow.

Trying to Decide

2007-01-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

There's something that I've been thinking of writing about for a couple days now, but I couldn't decide if I was going to or not. It's nothing controversial; no one will rush to their email to forward my blog to everyone they know becuz of the awful, or clever, or interesting, or awe-inspiring thing that they've read. Lets face it, I've only been writing for a week or so and I've only written 2 posts so how many people are going to read it-not many, so here it goes.
Well, I've got my period (don't worry ladies, I won't write anything gross-men, men? where did you go?), and day 2 is always the worst for me. I get up in the morning and open up an Always pad, and for some reason this is the first time I notice that their slogan is on sticker cover-"Have a happy period." I don't know why I'd never seen it before and I don't know why I had to see it on THAT day. It actually made me angry! I know, how absurd does that sound? Angry over a slogan? All I could think was, "Here I am-tired, worn out, bad cramps, my back in so much pain I don't even want to move!" and they have the nerve to 'tell' me to "Have a HAPPY period"?????? Are you kidding me??????? Pathetically it bothered me for the rest of day. Every time I went to bathroom and looked at that package I wanted to call them up and tell them to write a new slogan. I'm over it now. (even tho I still think they need a new slogan)

Single moms ROCK!

2007-01-16T22:27:00.000-08:00

My husband and I moved to a new town at the end of September 2006. He got a new job and it requires him to work 3 afternoon/evening shifts out of his 5 shifts a week. At first I thought "This is going to be great!", I was very excited that he would be home with me most of the day more often. Well it didn't take me long to realize that putting three kids to bed myself is very difficult-especially with twins that both still want to be cuddled with a bottle at the same time.
It's really made me think of the women I know that are doing this on their own-all day, every day, no break. Those moms amaze me becuz I really think if it was me I would break. Altho I guess once you're in that situation you find a way to fight thru it. You can't just lay down and "break", you've got children to take care of.
I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge the single moms that do this alone day in and day out, stay strong. You're my inspiration.